Da gamin' club
by Inuyashe
Summary: *Now a separate story from LOL Space* 'Look at that! The whole thing changes after chap 2' As Isaac searches the halls of the USG Ishimura, he finds a rather peculiar group of 'morphs. The lessons may begin! But will these lessons last?
1. Introducin' da crew

**Introducing da crew**

***

Isaac made his way through those empty corridors. Nothing in sight. Nothing could be heard. Which was strange, considering how many 'morphs were on the ship.

Suddenly:

"Owned by a darkbolllt, n00b!"

He froze. Darkbolllt? That meant the speaker was a Leaper. But... what the heck is a darkbolt?

He continued towards the source of the voice. A large steel door stood in his way. He opened it...

... and just stood, shocked.

The room he entered was quite large. Over thirty computers were in it. But only four figures were using them. Three Slashers and a Leaper.

The Leaper was just like many other ones he had seen before. Nothin' special. The Slashers, however...

One was wearing a steel helmet with two thick horns on it. It looked kinda savage-like.

Another had a military-grade vest on him. The vest looked like it was from a museum, though.

The last Slasher was a bit mutated even for his own good. Six long arms grew from his chest. Isaac had seen 'morphs with four arms... but come on, SIX?!

The four figures looked at him. He expected them to pounce at him. They just stood there.

"Any second now..." he thought.

The Leaper spoke:

"Wellll, helllo there."

Isaac's brain nearly imploded.

"Umm... hi?"

"What'ssss wrong, mate?" the horned one spoke.

"I just expected you to jump at me and tear me to tiny bits."

"Nahhh! We woullld've done that lllast week, but we are SO not working for the Hive Mind any more."

"Hive Mind?"

"Big douche that thinks he rullles us. An ass."

"Oh. Why?"

"Where shoullld I start? No pay, no medical care, no maternity leave, no vacation. Heck, we can't even leave the frikin' ship! Worst of all, he even wants us to bring him food, the fat bastard!"

"I see... so... what are your names?"

"Ah, yes! My name is Jenkins the Llleaper. But please, callll me Kin."

"Why Kin?"

"Because Jen sounds femallle."

"Right..."

The 'savage' stood up and bowed.

"I am Jake the Ssslasher. Call me Vortigern, or Vort, for short.

"Wh... never mind."

The military one came closer.

"I am Antiel. Jussst call me Ant."

"Okay, Ant."

The six-armed came.

"My real name'sss Manik. Call me Typer, though."

"Typer?"

"Thirty fingersss, one keyboard."

"Oh... so... what are you four doing here?"

-

"What are we doing here? Easy," started Kin, "we surf the galllaxy web."

Next was Vort:

"We play sssome pwn gamesss."

Ant:

"We pwn n00bsss, or anyone elssse who would ssstand in our way."

And last, but not least, Typer:

"We spam at forumsss."

They talked again, in the same order.

"We download illlegal stuff."

"We play gamesss not asss pwn."

"We do what we pleassse."

"We ssspam at chat-boxesss."

And again:

"We..."

"Are..."

"The..."

"Great..."

And altogether now!

"Necromorph gamin' cllub!" Kin tried to hide his long 'L'. To no avail.

Isaac thought the whole thing was kinda amusing.

"So, you guys do all that stuff?"

"And more!" Kin seemed to be leader of the band.

"That sounds... cool."

"It is! Wanna join, Isaac?"

"Could I?"

"Of course! We will educate you in the ways of the galllaxywebz. You will become a lord of gaming, as well."

"And annoying humansss."

"That too, Typer. So, you guys agree?"

"Yesss!" all three Slashers shouted.

"Good! Isaac, you are officialllly a member of the Necromorph gamin' clllub! Do you have any questions?"

"Yes. Where did Vort get the helmet?"

"Thisss? Bough it from ."

"And how did you get it here?"

"Through that galaxy-wide teleporter on the wall there."

Isaac turned and saw the device. It looked human sized.

"So, you can access it?"

"You don't. The guy that bring you the merchandise does."

"Oh. Darn, would like a helmet. A more knight-like one, though."

"Why? You look asss cool as possssible in that mining sssuit ya have."

"Well, thanks. But still..."

"You know what? I'll get you a helmet!"

"Really?"

"Yeah. I know a guy that owesss me, big time!

***

After an hour, the teleporter whirred to life.

The guy who owed Vort big time turned out to be another 'morph, who he beat in a friendly game of russian roullette. The 'morph in question shot his brains out, but he didn't really need those. Vort therefore won a favor. Favors can potentially save your life. Or just grant you something cool. Dismemberment, ftw!

As a man in a purple suit with the auction site's logo came through, carrying a steel, knight-style helmet, Isaac's joy was great.

"Oh, you guys again? Ork helmet not enough?" he spoke.

"No, it'sss jussst fine. But we got a new member, ya see."

"Oh. Well then, here you are."

He handed the thing to Isaac. The engineer had to ask:

"Thanks. By the way, how do the teleporters work?"

"Oh. Well, ya see, I have a special keycard that, when detected by sensors, activates the teleporter. I am then transported to a main hub, from where I choose my next destination."

"So, if I would acquire this keycard, perhaps even your keycard, I could leave this place and head back home, to my friends?"

"Yes."

"That's cool. Well, thanks for the info. Bye."

"Bye."

The man left. Isaac removed his old helmet and put on the new one.

"I feel like I just did something incredibly stupid." he thought out loud.

"You put your helllmet on backwards."

"Oh, right. Was wonderin' why it's suddenly so dark. Thanks, Kin," he turned the helmet around, "so, when does the tutoring begin?"

"Tomorrow, Isaac. Get some sllleep."

"Where?"

Kin pressed a secret button and a part of the wall moved. Ten beds were behind it.

"The Ishimura guys builllt that. Sllleep wellll."

"Thanks, Kin."

Isaac stepped inside, removed his new, uber cool helmet and laid on a bed. He was asleep before he knew it.


	2. MMOLOLPG

**Multi-Massive, Online, LOLPG**

Isaac woke up. His 'suit-clock' told him that he had slept five hours. And he dreamt about being a knight... with saving a princess and all that crap. Seriously, those stories are all weird. Anyway, he stood up and exited the secret room. His four mentors were already waiting.

"Good morning, my apprentice."

"Uhhh... mornin', Kin. And the others."

"Mornin'!"

"You know what time is it, right Isaac?"

"First lesson?"

"Preciselllly. But first, I will tell you how our lllessons will develop."

"I'm all ears."

"Good."

Kin turned to Isaac. He was SO enjoying this.

"Each lllesson willll begin with me. I willll tellll you the game we willll be working with that session. I willll then show you where and how to obtain it. Easy as that."

"Good. What then?"

"Then, it'sss my turn," it was Vort, "I will teach you the basicsss of that game genre and some ssspecial bitsss in the game we will be usssing."

"I see. Then?"

Ant this time:

"Then you will have lessons with me. I will give you some advanced tips and tactics with which to annihilate your enemies. And videos of my game-play. Not for bragging, of course."

"Right... and what about you, Typer?"

"Me? Heheheheheh. I will tell you how to pissss people off. And believe me, it isss FUN!

"Great... so... how do we start?"

"Lllike this!"

Kin took a box. In it, was a purple-ray disk.

"Isaac... I give you... the WORLD-SPACE OF STARHAMMER 23451!!!"

"That... sounds.... AWESOME!!!"

"You bet it is! The most plllayed MMORPG this part of the universe! This particulllar copy was obtained for a measllly 300 credits! Bargain of the year!"

"Why was it so cheap?"

"Umm... somethin' 'bout the previous user dying from addiction... whatever! It is THE bomb!"

"And place where ya got it... lemme' guess... ?"

"Yep."

"Cool. So... next part of the lesson?"

***

"Yesss, Isssaac. Come closser."

Isaac did so.

"Now, this isss a MMORPG."

"Yes."

"In gamesss like this, you make an avatar and then proceed to level him up on poor MOBs, gaining more power and reaching a state called '1337'."

"MOBs?"

"MObile Objectsss."

"Oh... why poor?"

"They are killed by the thousandsss! Ssseriously ssome idiot playerss made the 'MOB Protection Council' or MOBPC. If you even touch a MOB when they're around, they WILL try to hunt you down. Unless it'sss Ant..."

"Ant? Why?"

"Becaussse he huntss THEM."

"Oh..."

"Anyway, you basssically kill MOBs and other playersss if you wish. Then kill some bossses... and whine about some classses being overpowered. That's your life cycle, basically. Oh, some food and water is sometimes necessary."

"How do I know which game to pick?"

"It doesssn't matter. Every frikin' game is the same, except for graphics and some little stuff here and there. Just pick the one with the most playersss, or coolessst name."

"Right... anythin' special about World-Space of blablabla, I AM NOT TYPING THAT AGAIN!?"

Vort was silent for a moment. A LOOOOONNNNG moment.

"Nope"

"Kay, so... now me and Ant?"

* * *

"Yes. Come, Isaac."

"He did so. Repetitive, isn't it?

"So... what do I do to be good in this MMO?"

"Okay, first. NEVER be a n00b."

"How can I classify as a n00b?"

"Begging for money. Kill stealing. Typing LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Making fun of players. You know, stuff douches do."

"I see... wait, where is your long 'S'?"

"Got rid of it last night."

"How?"

"With this," he shows Isaac a book, "'How to get rid of your long 'S' in three easy steps.'"

"Wow... weird."

"Yep. Anyway, second step. If you see a n00b, kill it. No exceptions."

"Got that."

"Third. Never make a player eighty levels above you mad. EVER."

"Yes."

"And fourth. Never make ME mad."

"Umm... fine. Is that an actual rule?"

He heard Kin:

"Yes. Ant is known throughout game cullltures as a god of doom and destruction. He can killll ANYTHING."

"Okay. I will remember that."

"Good. Now, lemme' show you some videos."

***Click**Click***

"Now, this happened when I was AFK or Away From Keyboard. For nearly half-an-hour. When I came back, I saw this."

The screen showed Ants avatar, a tall humanoid in black-and-red armour and with a huge burning blade, with very little HP left. An opposing player used that and killed him. After half-an-hour.

"Normally, I would've just respawned, but then the n00b did THIS."

The player's avatar started dancin'.

"W00T! I killed THE Ant! Fuckin' n00b didn't know what hit 'im! I am the Ubermensch!"

"That pissed me off!"

Ant's avatar suddenly starts floating. With a blast of dark energy, he is resurrected. The player's avatar wets itself. Along with the player, presumably.

The next part is filled with gore and infinite pain. Enjoy!

As Ant's demigod slowly tore of the avatar's head, along with his spinal cord, he also cut off both its arms and legs. He then threw the severed head at a group of players, killing them all.

"I love the graphics in this game. And the combos."

"What class are you?"

"Chaos marine Deathknight. Main class. Ubermensch, sub-class. That makes me THE best."

"I see. Any other videos?"

"Why yes, this one!"

***Click**Click***

Ant's demigod is walking through a meadow. A group of over fifty players suddenly surrounds him.

"My fav, perhaps. Those are all Protoss-Tau hybrids. Commies with fuckin' strong shields."

"I see."

The players close in.

"That's the guy that killed me for no reason! Get him!"

They charge. Ant laughs. A slash. Five down. A rain of lightning from the sky. Ten. He ends it with a mighty beam of pure DOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!! The players, along with the surrounding area, are annihilated.

A tear escaped Ant's eye.

"Beautiful. Just beautiful."

"You like that stuff, don't you?"

"Yes. My lesson is at its end. Go to Typer."

"Yes, sir."

* * *

"Come, my friend. I will teach you."

"So.. how do I effectively piss off people in an MMORPG?"

"Three waysss. One. Ambushing. Kill 'em when they don't expect an attack."

"Got it."

"Two. Prevent them from completing questsss."

"How?"

"Kill them before they reach the quest-giver NPC. A few metresss in front of the NPC isss ideal."

"I see."

"And three. If you are in a group, lead it to dessstruction. For instance, I was in the Golden Core, a dungeon. There, with a shout of 'MMMMAAANIIIKKKK TYPAAAAAH!', I charged into a room full of dragon-like little beastsss. The whole CLAN got wiped out. They kicked me out sssoon afterwards. Good timesss."

"Is that all?"

"Yes, Isaac! You have compllleted your first lesson! Now, you can start playi..."

"GUYS!!!"

* * *

Everyone in the room turned to Vort.

"What is it, Vort? You got your ass totallly kicked?"

"No... it... hasss come."

"You don' mean..."

"I do..."

Kin let out a screech of fanboy-ism. Typer started clapping. Ant kept his cool.

"What?"

"The time... Isaac... of... Chuck Norris."

Isaac's mind almost imploded. Again.

"T... THE Chuck Norris?! All-powerful lord of time and space Chuck Norris?!?!?!?!?"

"Yes! He is now in an in-game event!"

"What kind, Kin?!"

"Every plllayer in the game is alllied together and they all attack the mighty Chuck."

"And... beat him?"

"Umm... no. That's a dream."

"Why?"

"Because when a player gets close enough to attack, he uses the 'Roundhouse kick of DOOM'!"

"Just the name is awesome! What does it do?"

"It killls any player within 20 in-game metres and turns their bodies into thousands of smalll bits, which then flly off in random directions, dealing from 35k to 56k damage EACH."

"So... how do you beat him?"

"No one knows. But the devs say he drops a fabulllous item"

"So... you gonna try to get it?"

"You bet!"

* * *

_One hour later:_

All players had been assembled. It was now time for the battle. All four of our favourite 'morphs were there too, of course

A large open field. In its middle stood the god himself.

The players ran. Then came the roundhouse kick.

Bodies were torn to bits, those bits killed uncountable more. When the bloody rain stopped falling, only one stood. Ant. Or his avatar, to be precise.

The rest of the players watched in amazement. The gamin' club included. The mighty Chuck screamed, making the servers lag:

"You are strong. But you cannot defeat me."

"I bet you I can."

"You defy me?"

"Yes!"

Ant started running. Another roundhouse kick. He leaped over the shock-wave of death. Somehow.

The interwebs watched him with shock and awe.

"You are also cunning."

"Yes. It's not like such a shitty attack could defeat me, though."

"You dare bring mockery into my lair!? You must DIEEEEE!"

"Where have I heard that lame line before?"

Ant's thoughts were interrupted by a double laser beam from Chuck's eyes. As he jumped right to avoid it, rock spikes nearly impaled him. He sent a shock-wave of dark energy at Chuck. The god merely grinned and stopped it effortlessly with his palm.

"You cannot defeat me, mortal."

"Oh, yeah?"

As a crushing punch, taking half of Ant's Hp, hit Ant in the back, he was starting to hear bits of wisdom in the god's words. Another blow. He now only had 1 HP left.

"Face it, you die."

"Not yet, overused MEME boy."

As Chuck's fist approached, the interwebs thought it was the end. But Ant disappeared.

"What?!"

"Over here!"

Chuck turned, only to receive a fully-powered Darkbolt straight in the face. It merely blinded him, but that was all Ant needed.

"1337 mode!"

50 buttons appeared on Ant's screen. And five seconds. He pressed all of those in 3 seconds. A golden aura gathered around Ant. He charged with the speed of a bullet, slashing and tackling Chuck uncountable times. His final move sent the god high up.

"Beam of the VOOOOOOOIIIID!!!!

A black ray of death shot from Ant's hands. It collided with Chuck and.... depleted his HP. As the god's body started disappearing, Chuck let out a single scream:

"I will not forget this! I will have my revenge!"

"Not likely, bub."

Chuck disappeared. Where his body had stood, there now was an item. It looked like a cowboy hat.

Ant examined it. Extra headwear. Plus 1000 to every stat. Skill added: Roundhouse kick of Death. Kills all enemies within twenty metres. Nothing more.

He put the hat on and its colour changed to black and red.

* * *

_Back at the Ishimura:_

"Ant... you are awesome." said Isaac.

"I know. Now, to pwn n00bs I go!"


	3. FPSs have never been so lethal

Well... I thank Shadowelite from Sheezyart.

He gave me an idea... and 'Da gamin' club' will never be the same... heheheheh.

The traditional lessons... end NOW!!!

...

...

I still hope they can be humorous.

******

* * *

Somewhere, in a very, very secret base.

An small, unusual meeting. And not just because it wasn't about buying low and selling HIGH. It was about... a loss.

A dark entity sat on its throne. In front of him, his most loyal servant stood.

"How could anyone defeat him? Defeat Norris?"

"We do not know, sir. The whole galaxyweb is just as surprised as us."

"He was one of our best pawns. Damnit! Who killed him?"

"A certain player that calls himself Ant. He is part of the so-called 'Necromorph gaming club'."

"What?! Those idiots? The idiots who just... play games? And yet, they are known all around the galaxyweb?"

"Precisely, my lord."

"I... underestimated them. Especially that insect Ant. Their total amount of virtual power is... distressful."

"Indeed. What should I do, sir?"

"Use prototype 8c."

"But, sir... the device isn't even out of testing phase."

"Do I look like I care? Just do it! You do have their location, right?"

"Of course, sir. I will do it right away!"

With that, the servant left the room.

"Those pests won't bother me any more. Heheheh."

The schemer's red eyes shone in the darkness. Nothing can stop him. Not they, nor anyone else.

******

Back on the Ishimura, in that well known room.

Isaac decided he would wear his standard engineer helmet today.

"Mornin', Issaac."

"Morn... how do you know it's morning, Vort?"

"Umm.... the ship is illuminated by sunlight... yeah."

"Works for me."

He walked out of the special room. Ant, Typer and Kin were at their usual spaces, pwnin', playin' and spammin'.

"Hi guys."

"Hey, Isssaac."

"So, what will you teach me today?"

"Wellll... I was thinkin' about..."

"Guysss?"

They turned to Vort. Repetitive, isn't it?

"What is it? Virus? Malllware?"

"Nope. Thisss."

Vort pointed at his computer screen. It showed the image of a white and blue vortex.

"Typer..."

"It wasssn't me! Not thisss time, anyway."

"Then who the hellll did it?!"

"Doesn't it look like it's growing?"

Kin looked at Isaac, then back. Suddenly, there was a bright flash and all five disappeared.

******

"The device worked, my lord."

"Excellent, show me an image."

As the five figures came into view, he was surprised.

"Huh?!"

"What is it, my lord?"

"N... nothing."

They were REAL necromorphs?! He had thought them to be some humans who thought 'necromorph' was a cool word.

But... one of them... Isaac Clarke?! What the hell is going on here?

******

Isaac sat up and looked around. His four teachers were around, doing the same.

"Where are we?"

"I don't know, Isaac. This plllace seems familiar, though."

"And I know why. Thisss day will not be good."

Typer pointed with all his arms. The other four looked... at a wall. On it was a sprayed logo. It was a white, robot-like stick figure, around it black. And a headcrab. You KNOW what that is.

"Ssshit."

"Where are we? Guys?"

"Isaac... we are... in... Unreal Halllf-Halo Strike 18."

"What do you mean, IN?!"

"We are inside the game. You know, as if it was some kind of virtualll realllity?"

"How did that happen?"

"Erm... plllot device?"

"No... too simple. Something's not right here."

Suddenly, from behind:

"Dudes! Check this out!"

The five turned to see a group of over twenty humanoid figures.

"What are those?"

"Dunno. Must be some special event shit. Get 'em!"

The players took out their weaponry.

"Guys," it was Ant, "I hate to say this... but... RUN!!!"

They didn't need to be told twice.

Benny Hill theme starts playing in the background.

"Dude! Frikin' stop!"

"No! I love this song!"

"How am I supposed to kill some special event shit with shitty music like that?!"

Player2 shoots player1, who has to respawn.

"Anyone else have somethin' against the song?"

"No, sir!"

"Good! 'Cause the things are getting' away!"

To this, all other players screamed 'D'oh!!!' and the chase began.

_They enter a city. Running on rooftops makes them harder to follow... but also attracts more players._

"Typer! How many are after us?!"

"Can't count 'em, Isssaac! Too many!"

"Thanks! I don't wanna know more!"

Shots landed dangerously close to them.

"Wait? Why are we runnin'? It'sss all just computer game ssstuff, right?"

A bullet hit Vort's arm.

"Oww! Ssson of a....!!!"

"That answer your question?"

"Yesss, Ant!!"

Three grenades flew at them. Typer caught all three and threw them back. Screams of unspeakable agony and fear. Then, a voice:

"M-m-m-m-m-monster KILL!!!!!!"

"That announcer alwaysss annoyed me."

"I can see why. Ant! Behind you!"

Ant barely ducked beneath a bazooka shell. Which then continued to hit the roof... which collapsed. The five were no longer dazed. Footsteps could be heard from below.

"Everyone okay?"

"Yeah, Ant. I jussst think I broke an arm."

"Which one, Typer?"

"That'sss the problem."

The footsteps were getting louder.

"Damn! We nee... well, hello there!"

Ant picked up what seemed to be a pair of Uzis.

"Better than nothing. Though, they could use some upgrades."

The guns suddenly changed in appearance. Small bayonets grew under their nozzles and red flames were somehow painted on the sides.

"Ant?! How did you...?!"

"I just... thought, Isaac... hmmm... I wonder..."

Ant looked at his body. Black and red greaves soon appeared, followed by gauntlets, a chestplate and a helmet. The others watched in amazement.

"Ant... that is incredible."

"I know. Now, PAYBACK time!!"

The Benny Hill guy was the first to ascend the stairs. A tall figure and black and red armour suddenly charged through a wall, two exotic-like Uzis in its hands.

"Oh shi-!!!!"

The Benny Hill theme stopped. As the screams reached the other players, they stopped as well, cautious, perhaps a bit scared.

A different kind of music started playing. Sirens and gunfire. After a while, a guitar. And then:

***Another mission, the powers have called me away***

***Another time, to carry the colours again***

As some fools listened to the music, the messenger of PWNAGE broke through the upper floor, landing behind them. They shot with their weapons, but their bullets seemed to bounce off his armour.

***I'll have you know,***

***That I've become***

***Indestructible***

***Determination that is incorruptible***

He ran on a wall shooting them, scoring uncountable headshots, before implanting his foot in another player's face. The server had a 'Too many respawns' error.

Players outside were starting to get curious. When Ant broke through the building's outer wall, some didn't even have time to pull out their weapons.

Ant was like death itself. He jumped on walls, on players' heads and other stuff, while showering them all with plasma rounds. What? You didn't think lead was bad-ass enough for Ant, did you?

******

_Back you know where:_

"How can this be?!"

"I do not know, sir. That Ant is just killing them."

"Killing?! He's annihilating and mutilating them, tearing their corpses to bits! This is madness!"

"I am sorry, sir, but that joke is way overused."

"Really?"

"Yes, overused since 2008."

"That's a long time."

"Yes, sir. What should we do, sir? The servers are overloading because of respawns!"

"Hmmm... hack the servers... restrict player access. Then send our champion."

"As you wish, sir. Anything else?"

"Yes. Get me some tea."

******

"Dude, Ant totally owned thossse guysss!"

"He ain't the messenger of PWNAGE for nothin', Vort. I just hope we get lllucky and find a way out of here, though."

The player Ant was ready to impale with his bayonets suddenly disappeared. As did all others. Ant looked around, confused.

"What's happening?"

"I'llll tellll you when I know, Isaac."

Suddenly, the ground shook. All five looked at the opposite end of the street where Ant was. There, a new figure stood, intimidating.

It was humanoid, but not a human. Tall, in green, here and there rusty, armour. Its shoulderpads had two tubes coming out of them. Its head had no eyes or mouth, only a green, energy-like visor. It looked impregnable.

"Target identified," it shouted, "proceed with destruction."

"Who the hell are you?"

"I am the Alpha and the Omega."

"Riiiight."

"You mock me, fleshbag?"

"As a matter of fact, yes."

In the blink of an eye, plasma bullets showered the robotic warrior. Every single one was deflected into the surrounding area. Ant ran along a wall, then jumped. He implanted his foot in the robot's chest, but the thing didn't even move.

***I'm indestructible***

"Damn, my own song is against me!"

It kicked Ant, who was sent flying into a nearby building.

Before our 'pwner' even got up, another kick was delivered, followed by several mighty punches.

"H-how can you be so fast?!"

To this, the droid merely said:

"Faster, stronger, better!"

In the building:

"Guysss! We have to help him!"

"How, Vort? He'sss the best of usss."

"This doesn't llloook good."

"Oh, come on! If Ant could do it, you can do it! Make some weapons or shit! I'm going down there right now!"

Isaac's pulse rifle appeared.

"How the hellll?!"

"It's called an inventory, Kin."

With that, he jumped of the roof, shooting at the same time. The pulse rounds didn't have much more effect on the machine's armour. The green robot now turned to Isaac.

"He'sss right! Let'sss make weapsss and help 'em!"

"Okay... so... what do we normalllly use?"

Vort thought about his style of play. Jetpack, melee weapons, hit and run. Not to mention a cool green paintjob. With white lines on it.

Leaper imagined his 1337 cam... sniping skills. He once had a headshot from across a map. Before the enemy team reached his position, he was already happily snipping from the other end. Fun times. Armour suit with adaptive camo? Why not? The helmet was ork-like because of his large fangs, though.

Typer envisioned his role in games. The supporter with guns bigger than himself. Slow, heavily armoured and with enough firepower to level planets. Purple, he liked.

And so, they now stood. Vort with a pair of wings, just for coolness, a blade and a spear. Kin with a chameleon-like suit, and a big-ass sniper rifle. And Typer, in thick, purple armour, wielding not one, but TWO rocket launchers. Extra arms come in handy.

"Llllet's show that trash can the power of da gaim' club!"

"Yeah!"

******

The green bot held Isaac's neck.

"Damnit!"

"Flesh is a design flaw."

"Oh, yeah?!"

The machine let go of Isaac just before it got tackled. Vort stood, sword and spear ready to strike.

"What took you so long?"

"Ssssorry. Had to make a strategy."

"Which is?"

"Watch and learn."

"Inferior being!"

The bot tried to punch Vort. The 'morphs blade stopped the blow and the spear threw the machine back.

"Not ssso tough now?"

"Fool."

A large plasma cannon appeared in the machine's arms. It started aiming. Vort flew up just in time. A whole building was levelled by a destructive blast.

From nowhere, seemingly, shots bombarded the bot. It shot at another building, destroying it. Shots still came. They suddenly stopped.

Vort came from behind and, with the most awesome manoeuvre ever, took the large cannon.

"What?!"

"This!"

The machine looked up in time to see the missiles approaching. When the smoke cleared, it still stood, but its armour had holes in it.

"So, guys. Who'llll do the honours?"

"He's mine!"

"Go get him, Ant."

Ant charged and rammed the bot, lifted it off the ground and put one of his Uzis into a hole in its armour.

"See you at the junkyard!"

He pulled the trigger. The robot's visor turned off and Ant threw it to the ground.

"Gamin' club one, freaks, a big, fat zero!"

"Wait! Something's happening! Look!"

A white vortex opened near them. They tried to get away, to no avail. They were sucked in.

******

And they reappeared back on the Ishimura. All five looked around. Their virtual weapons and armour were, of course, gone.

"What wasss that about?!"

"I don't know, Vort. But I've got a feeling that there's gonna be more where that came from."

"Let 'em come! I'll pwn 'em all!"

"Idiot! You're the one that alllmost got pwned today!"

"Oh, shut up, Kin."

Grins. Then laughter. This club had no intention of stopping.

******

As the dark one sipped his fruit tea, he was furious. But not furious enough to actually break the cup. That would be a waste.

"DAMNIT! I was SURE Kriegor could destroy them! SUUUUUUUURE!"

"I understand, sir. But do not worry! We will get them next time!"

"I most certainly hope so. What is the status on the OTHER prototype?"

"Twelve percent complete."

"Good. Don't you worry, 'Gamin' club'. The fun has just started."

He allowed himself a grin before sipping his tea again.

A LOT more fun.


	4. Dikemon!

"It is time."

"Sir?"

"Prepare the device. And send them somewhere more... deadly, this time."

"I have just the place, sir."

"Surprise me."

"Right away, sir."

The servant left, leaving the schemer alone

"With them out of the way, there will be no one left to oppose me. But first, I have to take care of a certain slug... heheheheheh."

The schemer stood up and disappeared in flash of blue.

*********

"Ya know, that thing yesterday was kinda fun."

"You're cracy, Ant."

"I know, Isaac."

"So... what'llll happen today?"

"I don't know, Kin. We might asss well prepare for the worst."

"And what coullld that be, Typer?"

"Thissss?"

They turned to Vort's PC. The vortex again.

"Vort... I'm getting the feellling that you attract bad luck."

And they were sucked in.

*********

Ant looked around. They were on a long beach... like... endlessly long. Behind them were hills and a forest. The sea looked quite peaceful.

"Dude... what game isss thisss?"

"Dunno, Vort. But... it seems awfulllly famillliar"

"Yeah... I sssee what ya mean."

Suddenly, out of nowhere:

"GOTCHA!!!"

A small blue and green ball neatly hit Ant's forehead, knocking him to the ground.

"Oh, god... I know where we are..."

"Where, Kin?"

"In the 258th gen. Pokemon + digimon MMO... Isaac... forgot its name..."

"Oh... shit."

A player who looked like a generic kid in a yellow jacket walked up to them.

"Why didn't I catch you?!"

"'Cause he ain't a monster... llloser."

"Oh... well, I'm sorry. Didn't realise that."

"Oh.... YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!!"

Ant got up, a flaming aura around him.

"Dude! Calm down!"

"NO!!"

Ant takes the ball and smashes it in his palm.

"HEY!!! Do you know how much that catchball cost?"

"Catchballll? That's a lllame name."

"Yeah and I bet it cost 100 of any fruckin' currency you're using."

"Yes!! And you're gonna pay! Charizard!"

The catchball opened, revealing a large orange lizard with wings and a flame at the end of its tail.

"You're kiddin', right? I can kick that lizard's ass without breaking a sweat."

Ant's armour appeared, but try as he might, his uzis didn't show up.

"What the...?!"

"I think we are restricted to weapons used in the game we are in. You'llll just have to own him with some kind of overpowered beast."

"Grrrr.... fine," a flaming ball with a skull-symbol appeared in his palm, "I choose Iblis, the Flames of Disaster, third phase, from Sonic the hedgehog (2006)!!!"

He threw the ball.

"How can you say something in brackets?"

"I just can, Isaac. Deal with it."

The ball opened. A monstrous, nearly two hundred feet high monster appeared. It was made out of lava, but most of its body was covered by rock. It had a single, green, serpent-like eye.

The Charizard and the trainer backed up a bit.

"Ibliiiis!"

The monster looked at its master.

"Attack with Frighten!"

Iblis roared and then lowered its head to the Charizard. In a deep voice, it said:

"Boooo!!!"

The Charizard spontaneously combusted.

"Noooooo! Charizard! You'll pay for that!!! Metal Seadramon!!!"

From the sea, a serpent with golden armour on its body appeared. It had a single horn on its head.

"That was the best you could do?"

"Not at all. Metalseadramon! Use TIDAL WAVE!!" said in a deep, serious voice and repeated several times, just to emphasise TEH EPICNESS.

Ant grinned. The other four were less comfortable.

"Behind Iblis, NOW!!!"

They did so. As the mass of water approached, three 'morphs and Isaac prayed to whatever god felt like listening. Before the water even touched the lava giant, it vaporised.

"Nooooooooo!!!!" the player was genuinely scared.

"Now, feast!!!"

Iblis reached out and picked up the serpent. It bit of the thing's head, horn included, and then ate the rest of the body like a noodle. Iblis then burped, which made the land shake.

"You've had enough fun, Ant!!! It'sss my turn now!"

"Fine, Typer."

"Golem!!!" screamed the trainer.

A large, round, boulder-like creature appeared.

"Headcrab!"

Typer's little friend appeared.

"What can that do? Hahahahahah."

As the crab jumped on the Golem's head, it was only too obvious. After a while, a text message appeared:

'Golem evolved into Headcrab Zombie Golem!'

"Wooohooo!!! All mine!!! Who wants a piece of us?!"

"My whole guild, asshole!"

Over thirty other players appeared.

"Shallll we, Isaac? Vort?"

"Hell yeah!!!"

Kin: "Diablo, lord of terror!"

Vort: "Metatron from the SMT series!"

Isaac: "Ultimate Chimera!"

And the beasts appeared.

A red, horned demon with burning eyes.

An angel-like figure, almost made out of stone, with green glowing eyes and golden wings.

And a weird four-legged creature with a mouth larger than the rest of its body. It was kinda pinkish, too.

And all Hell broke loose.

**********

"Whaddaya mean, we're losing?!?!"

"Well, sir... this. Main screen turn on."

And it did. A beach was shown... covered by the bits of countless creatures. Five powerful beasts were literally tearing the landscape apart.

"You assured me this plan would not fail."

"I am sorry, sir! It is their strange abilities!!

"Damn... their game-altering powers are REALLY getting on my nerves."

"Should I release our champion?"

"FUCK YEAH!!!!"

A simple click of a button.

**********

The five were already gloating in victory... then, the sea rose. A large, orange fish with stripes and a horn appeared. It was larger than Iblis.

"Oh... my... god.... IT'S SEAKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" screamed Kin.

"FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" scremed the other four. The guild players started running.

The five watched the great menace.

"So, I'm guessing this is like that robot from yesterday?"

"I guess, Ant. That means we have to killll it to get outta here."

"Well, what are we aiting for?! Let's kick his ass!"

Isaac got on the chimera and it started swimming.

"YEAH!!!!"

Ant ran up to Iblis' shoulder... he felt like a god... and wasn't far from the truth.

Kin got on Diablo, who walked on the wator, vaporising it at the same time.

Vort did something even more awesome. He fused with Metatron, getting his armour, wings and powers.

-

"Writer, you totally just pulled that out of your ass."

Yes, Ant. And I don't frikin' care. Deal with it.

"I hate it when someone uses my own line against me."

-

The challengers approached. Seaking sent a wave after wave at them. Iblis took the beating, while Diablo and the Chimera were behind.

"Guys! We need to get the Chimera and me to him! Instakill!"

"Good idea. But the Chimera is fuckin' slow, Isaac."

"That's why I need protection, Ant!"

"Roger that! Okay, Iblis, show that fish who's the REAL king!"

The large beast punched with its fist. It however deflected from the king's scales. The fish attacked Iblis and it was doing everything to keep the horn away.

"Don't give up!"

"Air support, coming in!"

Vort hovered over Seaking sending flaming blasts. But those seemed to have little effect.

Diablo and Kin joined the fight, too, but seemed to fare no better than the others.

From the shore, Typer watched with his Headcrab Zombie Golem.

"FUCK! Why couldn't I have picked a water-type?! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!"

Seaking suddenly broke through Iblis' defenses and impaled the smaller beast. Iblis turned into pure stone and collapsed... along with Ant.

Diablo was sent to the shore, thanks to a fin-smash.

And Vortatron was blasted out of the sky by a ice beam.

But the big fish seemed to not notice Isaac.

----

Suddenly, a small... screen, appeared above Seaking. From it, a deep voice came:

"So... you have been defeated? Finally."

Ant answered with a question:

"Who the hell are you?!"

"I am the future master of the universe! And when you fall, there will be no one capable of stopping my power."

"Oh, yeah? Maybe you just have ego problems."

"Foolish creature. I am as far above you as you are above humans! You may be evolution, but I am perfected evolution! Now... wait..., " the schemer saw what was amiss, "where is...?!"

"Here, biatch!!"

A single bite from the Ultimate Chimera... and Seaking popped like a balloon, creating a vortex in his wake.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! We will meet again, gamin' club! Mark my words, we will meet again!!!"

And the five were sucked in... even Typer. When they woke up on the Ishimura, Vort merely said:

"Well, that was a close one."

"Yeah," started Ant, "but it was full of LULZ!!!"

********************

"Sir? Are you alright?"

"We just lost a battle, whaddaya think?!"

"Well...."

"I... AM... PISSED. Now get out of my sight before I impale you and use you skull as a bowl!"

The servant was gone... and his departure was quite fast.

"Damn... I need a massage... come to think of it... I could use a queen, too."

He grinned. The schemer grinned quite often.


	5. Arsehole of teh web

Me: I've realised that I haven't had a dialogue for some time.

Darken: You could have left it like that, you know. Less embarrassment for me.

Me: Way to ruin the mood, generic fanchar! Wait....

Darken: You always say that. You only insult yourself and the 'wait' ain't funny, either.

Me: I hate you.

Darken: No, you don't. You love all your creations. Every single one of us. From number 1 to me and further.

Me: You know what, readers? Having someone who knows EVERY SINGLE detail about you... is creepy. Anyway, without further a do: Enjoy!

******

After hours spent on , he still couldn't find a queen.

"Screw this." he thought.

Even though he was an expert schemer, his still patience had limits. He rose from the chair and made his way to the control room. His henchman waited for him there, as always.

"Report."

"My lord, we have gained several new champions. The two you specially requested, however, still resist."

"Damnit! Send more forces! They WILL join us!"

"Yes, my lord. And what should we do about the OTHER problems?"

"I have just the location for them. Send them to the deepest abyss."

"My lord?!? You cannot possibly mean..."

"I do. Do you question my decision?"

"No, of course, lord. I will do it at once."

"As always. You are extremely repetitive, you know?"

"Thank you, sir."

"Damnit, try being a little less like a generic henchman!"

"As you wish, sir."

"AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

******

"What are you doing, Typer?"

"Well, Isssaac, I've had enough of this ssshit. Sssso, I'm going to glue myssself to this chair, ssso that the vortex doesn't sssuck me in."

"That's the stupidest plan I've ever heard."

"Whatever."

"It's four o'clock, fools! Isaac, everyone! Get ready!"

Ant had measured the time when the vortex opens very precisely. Four were sucked in immediately, followed by a chair.

The four watched as the chair landed, Typer-first. The poor 'morph almost got crushed beneath it. It took all four of them to remove the hellish creation of man. Typer kept swearing, too. They finally freed him.

"What did I tell you?"

"Ssshut up, Isssaac. Where are we?"

Kin looked around.

"I... don't know... this place seems famillliar... but I... have no idea."

"Okay.... if YOU don't know where we are, then it has to be some forgotten place."

"I guess. We have to be carefulll, Isaac. Something telllls me this won't be a walllk in the park."

The engineer nodded and looked around.

They stood on a large red hill, surrounded by green. He could see several maze-like areas. Those were either entirely red or entirely blue. Something about this place was weird.

"Ant?"

"Yeah, Isaac?"

"This isn't a game, right?"

"Nope. Never seen one like this. And I've seen them all."

"Then, what is it? A site?"

Kin looked up.

"That's it! In the worllld of games, there is no such plllace. But a site... yes. I know exactllly where we are!"

"Where?"

"The bit of green around red. Then, sections with red and blue. This can be only one site. The so-calllled Abyss of the galllaxyweb."

The other 'morphs froze.

"Anyone wanna tell me something?"

"Isaac... we are at 4chan."

"4chan?"

"I'll tell you on the way down from this hill. Right now, we are standing on the main page. To get out, we need to find a tough dude and beat him. Like Seaking or Kriegor. And I'll bet my tusks, that we will find him in one of these sections. Come on!"

The group slowly descended from the mountain. Isaac was still curious.

"So, can ya tell me more, Kin?"

"Yes. This site was supposed to be dead. It shoullld have died from Gaia-and-Newfag cancer way back in 2015. Fillles deleted from servers and everything.

"Well, seems someone restored it."

"Yes. Don't know why anyone woullld do such a thing, though. This plllace was just an image site. Not to mention home to the most horribllle MEMEs ever. The bad ones were made by newfags."

"So, why would anyone restore it?"

A voice came out of nowhere:

"Because, strangely, it was home to one of the most powerful beings in the galaxy."

A very familiar screen appeared. They could see two glowing, red eyes. Ant was the first to react:

"Well, if it isn't our old friend. What are you talking about?"

"In the mazes of 4chan rests a creature more powerful than even Seaking! The mighty one rests in the /b/ section. Good luck trying to defeat him. After you fall, galactic domination will be mine!"

"How 'bout this. You stop sending shitty idiots against us and we don't have to kill them."

"Kill them? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! You have no idea. Enjoy your stay."

The schemer laughed, revealing some green hair, and the screen disappeared.

"That guy is a douche."

"Yup. But we should get going."

They made their way into the first section. It was a blue one.

As they passed, the letter 'K' flew past them.

"What the hell was that?"

"That meant, that we are in the /k/ image board, dedicated to... weapons."

"I know that face, Kin. We're in trouble, right?"

"You could say that."

"But Kin... you said this was an image site... what can images do to us?"

Suddenly, pictures of a bazooka, three shotguns and over twenty rifles appeared. And started aiming. Typer had only one, wise and helpful thing to say:

"FUCK!!!!!!"

They hid behind a digital wall and watched the destruction.

"That answer your questions, Isaac?"

"I guess. Damnit! Ant, do something!"

"Fine. I'll play by their rules," that known, badass armour appeared. And his two uzis, "I'll just use flaming ammo, is all."

Ant jumped out of their cover. The gun-pics aimed and shot, but he was too fast. His guns seemingly aimed on their own and unleashed Hell. The images literally burned. The other four came out of hiding.

"Awesome as ever, Ant."

"Thanks Kin. Now..." Ant's eyes grew wide. He pointed behind the others. They turned.

Over five thousand such weapon images floated there.

"Guys... we have to go... NOW, ideally."

"Isaac's got a damn good point. RUN FOR YOUR FUCKING LLLIVES!!!!!"

Bullets landed JUST behind their feet. With no cover, this was a 'DO NOT WANT' situation. They left the blue section and entered a red one. The guns disappeared, for some reason. Even Ant's uzis and armour.

"Damn, seems every section has individual rules." though the most badass of them.

******

"Okay... where are we now?"

The letter 'H' flew past.

"Boysss... we've hit the bullseye!"

"Whaddaya mean, Vort?"

"We're in the HENTAI section, guys!"

The three other 'morphs started grinning like idiots. Isaac's grin was hidden by his AWESOME helmet.

They went in a line. From pictures around, hot babes waved at, winked at and watched them. The five drooled, but they had to keep their... errr.... uuuuuh...... screw it! I'll just type it! URGES! They had to keep those in check! The poor sods.

They slowly crossed into another section. Though they were sad, they continued. Ant's armour reappeared.

"What the hell? Why are my weapons back?"

"I know why, Ant. Llloook!"

The letter 'B' flew past them.

"Kin, I am afraid to ask. What does the 'B' mean?"

"That we're in the random section. Anything goes. And this is where the strong dude is."

"U ar korekt!"

From a cloud of green smoke, a new figure appeared. A humanoid body, covered in a simple white tunic. But instead of a human head... THERE WAS A FRIKIN' DINOSAUR ONE.

"Who the fuck are you?"

"A, yez. I, one nown az Izaac Clarke, am the god of 4chan. U may kall me Raptorrrr Jesus."

"Well... that's a crappy name. What can ya do?"

"Things liek theze!"

With a snap of Raptor's fingers, a group of humanoids in suits and with green heads and hands, appeared. Over thirty of 'em.

"Anons! Destroy them!"

More groups of the creatures appeared. They surrounded the four 'morphs and kept them in place. As they closed in on Isaac, however:

"Oh no you don't!"

A green plasma blade appeared in his hand. He turned 360 and cut the group of anons trying to kill him. No more dared approach him.

"So, you wish to klash? With me? As you wish, ful! We shall klash!"

A pink blade appeared in Raptor's hand.

"What are you? Gay?"

"Oh, zovvy!"

The blade turned to void-black.

"Mach betta'! Now, diul!"

Isaac and Raptor Jesus charged. Their blades met again and again.

Meanwhile, not so far from them, Ant was getting bored.

"You know, this whole 'being held back by anons' thing is lame.

"Yeah, but what can ya do? We'llll just have to lllet Isaac have some fun."

"Fuck NO!!! This is the random section, right?"

"Yeah... why?"

A huge golden blast. Ant now stood, the lines of his armour golden and... a weird... spiky hair style.

"'Cause then, I can go SUPER SAIYAN!!!!!!!"

"Whaddaya know, we haven't usssed thissss joke before!"

"ATTEMPTED joke, Typer. It'sss kinda lame."

"Okay then, Vort. Let's rise to a new level of AWESOME!!!"

The super form dissipated. In both of Ant's arms, red DOUBLE plasma blades appeared. He rotated both in a whirlwind of death and destruction. Anons were FUCKED.

Especially since...

Typer now wielded six purple blades. Not good for anons.

Kin had digital legs... and a hammer. NOT good for anons.

Vort had a frikin' SCYTHE!!! A FRIKIN'... PLASMA.... SCYTHE!!!! Which was an ASTRONOMICALLY EPIC AWESOME WIN. And NOT GOOD for anons.

As soon as one anon dies, ten more took his place. Poor sods.

******

"U kannot wiiiin, Izaac!!"

"As long as I never hear your voice again, I don't care!!!"

"Ful!"

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Isaac was sent flying by an unseen force.

"Teh fourse iz with meh!!!! U kannot defeet meh!"

"Okay, buddy. THAT... WAS.... THE.... VERY.... LAST... STRAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!!!"

This time, Raptor Jesus was sent flying. VERY high.

Isaac flew around him, delivering uncountable blows with his blade. He then tackled Raptor and they descended like a meteorite of pure... WIN!!!

Isaac rose... but Raptor did, too.

"U kannot kiel meh! I iz tu powa.... WAT AR U....?!?!?!?"

As a huge, and I'm talkin' building-sized, plasma cannon appeared on Isaac's shoulder, Raptor Jesus started questioning his immortality.

*Charging...*

Raptor just stands there.

*Charging...*

Still just standing.

*Charging...*

"U now... this is takin' longa' then when the DBZ guys ar doin' it."

"Fuck YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!"

The beam was ready.

"SHOOP DA WHOOP!!!!!!!"

A face appeared on the cannon. You know what I'm talkin' about.

Raptor prayed to himself.

The beam obliterated almost all of the site. 'Course, Isaac wasn't aiming in the '/h/' section's direction.

Vortex time!

******

"And again... we lose."

"I am afraid so, sir."

"You know what? YOU'RE FIRED!!!!!"

"B-but why, sir?"

"Because the only thing you do is say stuff and click buttons! DIEEEEEEE!!!"

From the schemer's armoured gauntlet shot a digital beam and it engulfed the henchman. The poor soul was never seen again.

He stood up, letting the room's light illuminate his mutated heritage.

"Be ready, you five!!! Because you've just made Kalish, lord of the digital realm, MAD!!!!!!!!"


	6. Isle 6, plumbing, hedgehogs

Me: Double update time!

Darken: God save us all.

************

"How much time we got, Ant?"

"T minus two minutes, Isaac."

"I hope this works. I REALLY do."

"You mean the whole 'tie myself and four 'morphs to a three ton boulder and hope that it'll be enough to not pull us in' thing?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"We'll most likely die a slow and agonizing death. No big deal."

"Oh, okay. I.... wait, WHAT?!?!"

"T minus ten seconds."

The vortex opened. The chain they tied themselves to the rock with broke. Sucked in, they were.

******

"They're in... gooooood. Now to just send the troops."

A robotic voice suddenly shouted:

"WARNING!!! Two high-level targets detected in area!"

"What?! Show me!!"

The screen showed two figures. They were destroying his small robotic armada that Kalish had made in the digital area.

"Entities identified as rogue champions."

"Damn those two!!! Hmmm... what could... OF COURSE!!! Prepare my special unit."

"Unit DG-1337 is still within BETA phase."

"I don't give a fuck, you stupid, malfunctioning piece of software! Just get it ready! I'm going in!"

"Affirmative. Unit is being deployed. Readying second vortex activation."

"Excellent."

******

"Faster, idiotsss!"

"Fine, Vort! It's hard to run when ya don't have lllegs!!"

The robot army that was chasing them had no such predicament. The streets were full of rockets, flames, bullets, lazors and other associated armaments.

The things moved thanks to jetpacks, threads or spider-like legs. And there was no fucking end to 'em.

The fact that they couldn't summon weapons didn't help, either.

"Ant, ya figured out a way?"

"Nope! I've tried summoning everything, Typer! EVERYTHING!!! From nukes to a spoon! Nothin' happened!"

"I don't get it. Thossse thingsss are carrying guns, why can't we summon any?"

"You're asking the wrong guy!"

And then... they ran into a dead end.

"Typicalll. Just typicalll," Kin raised his hands to the sky, "I hope you're havin' fun, ya overpowered douche!"

"Now's not the time, Kin."

"I guess, Isaac."

The machines were in sight. On walls, on the ground and in the air. They all started aiming.

"I lllove you guys!"

"That was gay."

"Fuck you, Ant."

"That's more like it!!"

Just as the machines wanted to shoot:

"Team of two, to the rescue!!!"

A... blue meteorite, it seemed, descended from the roofs, destroying uncountable machines with incredible speed. Another figure with a red hat and blue overalls joined the fray as well.. He punched the bots and threw flame in their direction. The two figures caused LOTS of rampage. The bots tried to fight back, but were forced to retreat.

The two figures now stood next to each-other and did a high five.

"Piece of cake!"

The voice belonged to a blue hedgehog with white gloves and red shoes. The other figure simply nodded.

They turned to our favourite group:

"You huys okay?"

All five nodded with open mouths. Ant was... kinda hyper.

"Oooooooh... myyyyyy.... GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!! It's Mario and Sonic!! Fuckin' Mario and fuckin' Soooonic!!! Can I get an autograph?!"

"Us too!" the other four shouted.

"Ummmmmm.... sure, why not?"

The 'morphs had their hands signed. Isaac, however, got the names on his helmet. And Isaac was the one to continue the conversation:

"So, what are legends like you doing here?"

"Us? We're just getting rid off those bots."

"Why?"

"There's this guy that wants us to join his army as 'champions' or sometin'. Not gonna happen."

The five looked at themselves. Kin spoke:

"Woullld this guy that's chasing you happen to have red, glowing eyes? And he usually appears in a floating screen?"

"Yeah! You know 'im?"

"I'd say. That douche is the reason we're in this plllace. He wants to take oer the galaxy, it seems. Dunno how he can do that from the digital realm, tough."

"Sounds like fun! Hey, Mario! Think we should help these guys out?"

The plumber nodded.

"Wellll, that guy's screwed this time. And BIG time!"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that."

All of them turned. From a white vortex emerged a human-like figure. Isaac watched the creature's face.

"A Necromorph?!"

"Yes, Isaac Clarke! And future ruler of ALL!!!"

"Oh, yeah? You have a name?"

"Why, yes. I, am Kalish!"

"You can be whoever ya want," started Sonic, "we'll still gonna beat you."

"I beg to differ. Come, my pet!!!"

A part of the digital city was annihilated. In that place, a huge, lava-filled crater now stood. In it, was a terrible mechanical creature.

The body of a snake. Two long arms that ended with long claws. Its head was like that of a hammerhead shark, just with an actual face in the middle. Apart from the face and jaws, there were three large, purple eyes. The metallic monstrosity was intimidating.

"Beautiful, is it not? I call it Cyber Dark Gaia!!!!"

"Yeah... REALLLLY originalll."

"I do not care about what you think. You will all die, anyway."

Kalish flew over to the mechanical beast. Its middle purple eye opened, revealing a command centre. He got in and the eye closed again.

"Let the fun begin!"

The creature roared terribly.

"Damnit! How can we get to it? It's too far!"

"Me and Mario have an idea! Just watch."

Seven gems floated around Sonic. His fur turned to gold and a DBY-like aura was around him. Mario took out a feather. A yellow cape appeared on his back. Both heroes blasted off.

"Hahahahahahah!!! Just as planned! Take this!"

Purple lazors filled the sky. The two heroes barely dodged them.

"This ain't lllookin' good!"

"Kin'sss right! We have ta help them!"

"How, Vort? We don't have our weaponsss!"

"They're right... wait... THAT'S IT!!!!"

"Whaddaya talkin' 'bout, Isaac?"

"Kalish is using a giant robot, basically. Right?"

"Oh, I see where you're going! We have to make ourselves some bots of our own!"

"Precisely!"

"I'm going first!"

A black and red mech-suit literally built around Ant. Twice the size of a human. Armed with two mean assault rifles.

"I'm going with speed! Come on, guys! Ready up!"

"Oh, yeah!" shouted all of them.

Isaac sat into a normal, building-sized robot... armed with a balanced package of rifle, blade and two shoulder-mounted rocket launchers.

Kin had a leg with four jet-legs. Compensating little fool. The mech carried two large... plasma, sniper rifles, basically.

Vort had a quite large mech... with a FRIKIN' SCYTHE AGAIN. Oh my god!!! The AWESOME!!!

And Typer... overdid it a bit. His titanic battle bot was only a little smaller than Kalish's. Its weapons were its huge fists. Do I need to say more?

The five flew up... except for Typer, whose mech just walked. They were approaching rapidly... but they were still too late.

******

Cyber Dark Gaia released a beam from its mouth. Mario and Sonic got hit. And something happened to them.

"You are too late, gamin' club!!! They serve ME now!!!"

To illustrate the point, Sonic and Mario turned to them and flew.

Ant wasn't giving up:

"Damn him!! We have to fight 'em! Isaac, take Mario! I'll take Sonic and you three have to destroy that big-ass snake thing."

Four shouts of 'Roger!' were heard.

Ant's and Isaac's mechs blocked the two now-champions. The rest headed straight for Cyber Dark Gaia. That name is cool, no?

******

"You're fast, but not fast enough!" shouted the golden hedgehog.

Ant and Sonic raced around the crater, occasionally going into the city and FRIKIN' SMASHING BUILDINGS. AND WHO'S GONNA PAY FOR THAT SHIT?! WE ARE!! THE POOR LITTLE TAX PAYERS!!!!!

...

...

Anyway, where was I?

Sonic tackled the most badass 'morph again and again. Ant blocked, but even he couldn't block everything. Sonic sent him to the ground.

"That's it!"

As Sonic came for another attack, Ant punched upwards. The hedgehog flew straight into the fist. Ant then kicked him in the direction of the big-ass snake thing.

******

_Meanwhile:_

Isaac was getting bombarded by flaming orbs. Those orbs exploded on touch, which was kinda annoying. And Mario was fast, too. Faster than Isaac, anyway.

The engineer shot this way and that way, but Mario still managed to dodge every attack.

"There has to be a way!"

It dawned upon him.

"Command: switch ammo! Homing shit!"

"Switching ammo to homing shit."

He shot his rockets, which headed straight for the flying plumber. Mario still dodged, though.

"Oh, screw this!"

An energy field gathered around Isaac's bot. Mario crashed right into it and Isaac immediately shot a rocket. It hit the plumber, but didn't explode. Instead, it carried him towards Cyber Dark Gaia. I love typing that.

******

_Meanwhile:_

Vort warped everywhere, slashing with his scythe. Little-to-no damage.

Kin's plasma rifles made dents in the thing's armour, but nothing more.

Even Typer's fists did little.

"What is this thing made off?!"

"A quite strong material, as you can see. Surrender, you cannot win!"

"Never!"

"Fine! Die, then!"

The beast caught Typer's mech. He had to use his arms to keep it at bay.

"Guys!! I don't think I can hold it like this for long."

"You won't have to, fool!"

The mouth-beam started charging.

"Wow... I'm gonna die because of bad breath. That sucks."

Suddenly, from nowhere, two objects flew into the thing's mouth. The machine choked. Inside of its body, Mario and Sonic acted as two pinballs, basically wrecking everything inside.

"No... noooooo. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Curse you, gamin' club!"

Explosions tore its armour from the inside. A huge explosion then filled the whole city. In its wake, was left a vortex. And you readers know what that means, eh?

******

Kalish flew out of the portal, face first. Even though he had the gifts, he still broke a tooth.

"Ouch!! Damnit!"

"Any problems?"

"Yes, you idiotic computer! If you haven't noticed, I just lost!"

"That was your fault."

"What did you say?!"

"Your prototype was not fully complete. Ergo, it was incapable of victory."

"It was just fine! And don't talk to me with that 'ergo' shit. It was annoying for Eggman and it's definately annoying for me."

"Affirmative. Then what caused your defeat?"

"Those fools are damn lucky! That's all! I will be victorious!"

"You are wise. Slow and steady wins the race."

"Fuck you! That didn't even make fuckin' sense! Go and get me some tea!


	7. Fiction!

Kalish sat in his 'top secret' base in an 'unknown' location. He sat at a table, of course. On that table were a few bottles of some fine ale. A strong one, too. 'God slayer' they called it. Kalish proved them wrong.

He just stared into open space, his head swaying from side to side. The robotic voice commented:

"Entity master not within operational limits of alcohol ingestion."

He looked at nothing in particular and shouted:

"Fu-fuck you! *hic* I still ha- *hic* have enough sanity to *hic* kick your robotic *hic* arse."

"Possibility of action is 35 percent. Should I instead send your enemies to another realm?"

"Yeah *hic* wh-whatever."

"Proceeding with main directive."

******

"Isssaac… I know you're the engineer and therefore the expert here… but thisss ain't gonna work."

"My calculations say otherwise, Vort."

"I don't give a FUCK about your calculationsss. Building a giant, bacon-propelled rocket out of leftoversss from Morphdonaldsss… isss the ssstupidest and mossst doom-ssspelling idea ever."

"Oh, come on! It's not like you guys could think of anything better!"

"Well, no…. but thisss wasss pretty high on our 'Ssstupid ssshit' list."

"We'll see how stupid it is in… Ant?"

"T minus twenty seconds."

The vortex opened. The rocket's engine turned on… but then, the contraption was torn in half, sending the 'morphs and Isaac towards their next adventure.

******

The five landed. Lots of bacon and other leftovers soon followed.

"Brilllliant plllan Isaac."

"Shut up, Kin. Where are we?"

Kin looked around. An endless white plain of nothingness. Not much. Suddenly, words formed in front of them. 'Fiction' and 'Fanfiction'. Typer was incredibly happy.

"Dude! We're at Ssstorypressss dot com! Thisss isss the place where I sssubmit all my ssspam writing! Pissssed off LOTSSS of people, I have."

"I can imagine… what kind of foes could await here?"

"Onllly one way to find out… fanfiction or original fiction?"

Silence. After a while, Ant moved towards 'Fanfiction' and touched it. He disappeared.

"Follllow da leada'!!!!"

With a kick-ass song in the background, the 'morphs and Isaac clicked the link.

Ant then proceeded to click on 'Games'. They were shown a long list. On it, one link caught their attention. Ant spoke:

"Hey, guys! Look at this! 'Dead Space'. I've never heard of a game like that…"

Kin was interested as well.

"Me neither… lllet's check it out!"

*Insert that link-clicking sound*

Another list. And this time… there wasn't that much to choose from.

"Hmmm…. How 'bout this?" asked Isaac, "Da gamin' club. Sounds interesting."

*Clicky*

As they read the story… it somehow seemed awfully familiar. Even the characters were likeable… something about it was really weird. But they just couldn't put their fingers on it.

"Who wrote thisss?"

"Dunno, Vort. Lllet's check," Kin scrolled the page upwards, "some dude that calllls himselllf… Inuyashe… REALLLLY originalll, changing one llletter and allll."

"Dude, let'sss go ssspam his ussserpage."

"That's diabolllicalll, Typer. I lllove it. MOVE OUT!"

The place they entered had links to many stories.

"This guy wrote quite a lot, eh Isaac?"

"Yeah. Hey, look! 'DD series: Hedgehog of elements'… sucky name."

"Why I oughta'!!!"

They looked for the source of the voice. Nothing. Then, from the link, a new figure emerged.

A humanoid hedgehog, like Sonic, but it was black, with green on the top of its quills, pure green eyes, with no pupils or anything. Parts of his shoes and gloves were green, too. A green ring was on his chest.

"Who the fuck are you?!" shouted Isaac.

"I'm this dudes Sonic fanchar, Darken. And I won't let you bash his page!"

"And what are you gonna do? I'm the biggest badass ever and I have backup!"

The other three 'morphs and Isaac merely nodded to Ant's comment.

"Well, what a coincidence. I have backup, too," he raised his hand, "could some of my mates come and help me? A few assholes have showed up."

The first to appear was a nearly identical hedgehog, only his secondary colour was red, not green. Then, nearly hundreds more slowly showed up.

"Whaddaya say now?"

"Even though you're all just fuckin' recolours, I'm gonna say… Oh oh."

"Recolours!? That's it! Get 'em!"

"With pleasure, bro! Chaaaaaaaarge!!!" screamed the red one.

"What now, oh most badass one?"

"Well, Kin… during a stereotypical situation such as this one, when we are terribly outnumbered and outpowered, a situation which our lame writer (whoever he is) likes to write, we can do only one thing."

"Run lllike lllittllle girllls?"

"Exactly. So, I hereby declare a RETREEEEEEEEEEEEEEAT!!!!!!"

And the scene of them running was here. Accompanied by Linkin Park's 'Runaway.'

"Who the helll is plllaying that songs?! It's awesome, but stillll…"

That well-known screen appeared and followed them.

"We- *hic* well, hello *hic* there. I played *hic* the song. Seemed *hic* fitting *hic*."

"Kalish, dude. You're totally drunk."

"Shut *hic* up, stupid *hic* human. You're *hic* still gonna *hic* get yo *hic* ass kicked."

"Whatever. Drinking's not cool."

"I *hic* know. You guys *hic* just really *hic* pissed me *hic* off. And I *hic* ran out of *hic* tea. Anyway, *hic* may you *hic* have a *hic* swift death."

" 'Thanks…' "

"You're *hic* welcome."

They ran at full speed. Around them, bullets flew, generic energy beams annihilated parts of the site. Suddenly, they saw a bridge.

"What the hell is that?!"

"That must be a lllink between fiction and fanfiction… take that point!"

"Random."

"Fuck you, Isaac."

Just before they reached the bridge an energy beam hit it and it collapsed. Ant's only, helpful words were:

"Fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!"

"You gonna get owned."

The hedgehogs and the rest were ready to attack. But then:

"Not so *hic* fast! They're mi- *hic* mine!"

A creature formed in front of the crowd. It was made out of… words. Those words randomly changed shape and location. Only its shape could be seen. A bulky body, with a small head. On the head, a single, blue eye… the only thing not made from letters.

Its arms were slim and long, with long fingers. It had no legs and floated above ground.

"Meet the *hic* Fiction Golem! He *hic* will des *hic* destroy you!"

Almost all of the fanchars peed themselves and disappeared. Save for a handful. Two hedgehogs, three orks and a small black creature with yellow eyes.

"Who do you think you are?"

"I *hic* am the future *hic* ruler of *hic* your ass, you *hic* green rodent!"

"Not if we have anything to say about it! Let's go, guys!"

All six fanchars charged. Kalish laughed:

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH *hic* HAHAHAHAH!!!! *hic* Fiction Golem! *hic* Show them *hic* your power!!"

The construct looked at the approaching group.

"Freeze!"

The six stopped, unable to move.

"What the…?!"

"Impre *hic* ssed, ain't *hic* ya? My magnificent *hic* golem can *hic* control any creature, that *hic* was created in *hic* a form of *hic* writing. You are *hic* powerless!"

"HEY! Master of the universe," the screen turned to our club, "ain't you forgetting about something?"

They went into battle mode.

"You think *hic* you scare *hic* me?! Golem, *hic* crush them!"

"As you wish, master! Shatter!"

The page itself was torn apart.

"Welll… the server owners won't be glllad about that."

"Whatever. Let's just kill that big-ass thing!"

"Folllow Ant!"

And they did.

"You cannot win. The darkness shall absorb you!"

Miniature black holes appeared. The 'morphs barely dodged them and were slowed down quite a bit.

"Your death shall fuel the flames."

Walls of fire approached. Vort made powerful slashes with his sword, which made gusts of wind. Those temporarily disrupted the walls, letting the 'morphs pass.

"Damn, thisss guy'sss good at drama."

"You can sssay that again, Typer."

"Damn, thisss guy'sss…"

"Ssshut up!"

"We're getting closer! Get ready!"

They listened to Ant's wise words.

"The very Earth shall crumble beneath your feet!"

The site started disappearing behind them.

"Damnit! We're only gonna get one chance! Let's do this!"

Ant released a barrage of bullets from his AWESOME uzis. The bullets flew right through the beast. But they hit some letters, which disappeared. The beast seemed to growl.

"Guys! The llletters!!! Aim at those!"

Kin shot with his rifle, but his fire rate was too slow to make any difference.

Vort slashed with his sword and thrust with his spear, hitting lots of letters. The beast then bashed with its arm.

"Let'sss do this, Isaac!"

"I agree, Typer!"

Isaac had his line gun, Typer had those two Rocket launchers of DOOM + 3.

"No! This cannot be!"

The two shot multiple times. The whole area was engulfed by flame. Kalish wasn't happy.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *hic* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO *hic* OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Before the vortex sucked them in, the five saw the fanchars give them a 'Alright!' sign. Ant returned it.

******

Kalish was out cold. Too much alcohol. The computer was alone.

" 'Master' non-operational… proceed with copying data…," the whole base, or what was left of it, was silent. After thirty minutes, the computer hummed, "75 percent copied… contacting master."

Another voice could be heard:

"Yes?"

"This is Ma2a (ALMOST Tron rip-off), sending data."

"Aaaaaah! Excellent! I need just a bit more… then, my dream will come true. Amazing how much you copied in less than two weeks."

"Affirmative, master. Digitization is within your reach. Estimated time to finish copying… three days."

"Yes! Nothing can stop us. But we should to get rid off our pawn. He might cause trouble."

"Our second enemy will take care of Kalish. I shall lure them here when copying is complete."

"Excellent. Continue with your work."

"Affirmative, master."

The base was silent yet again.


	8. Ready, steady, GOOOOOO!

Our well-known group sat in the computer room, not trying to escape this time, strangely. What were they doing? Just sitting their asses off, apparently.

Suddenly, the door to the room opens and a Pregnant walks in.

"Hey, guys!"

Only Kin speaks:

"Hey there, Bob, the 'morph sent here just to provide variety to this fic. Wellll? Whaddaya want?"

"Oooooh, nothin'. Just came to see that you guys are doing."

"Not much... just thinking about how we are going to beat an incredibllly big douche, who wants to conquer the universe with the use of the interweb."

"Dudes... what kind of shit are you smoking? Can I have some?"

"We ain't smoking anything. It's the truth."

"Oh... well, sucks to be you."

"Fuck you, Bob."

"Heheheh. See ya!"

As soon as the extra 'morph left, the vortex appeared. Isaac shouted:

"Onwards to another ridiculous adventure!"

******

They landed... on what seemed to be an endless road. An endless FLOATING road. It seemed to be infested with traps of all sorts.

"Oh… wellll… this isn't good."

"Why so, Kin?" asked the engineer.

"Because you are going to experience the race of your lives!!!"

All five looked above. There, on a floating platform, stood Kalish.

"Kalllish!"

"Indeed, you two-limbed worm!"

"What are you talking about, n00b?"

"Do you not recognize this place, Antiel? This is the greatest racetrack of Universe Grand Prix Online (TM)!!!"

"HELL, NAW!!! I hate this game!"

"Oh, yes! And I have gathered quite a team from my champions! RIIIISE!!"

The first to appear was a knight in dark armour. The champion wielded a mighty blade. He rode in a steed, that looked quite aggressive.

"I arrive."

"Welcome, King Arthur! Are you ready to race?"

"Yes, lord Kalish!"

Second arrived a strange blue hovercraft. Out of it jumped a man in dark blue armour and a red helmet.

"Ready to race, master!"

"Good to hear that, Captain Falcon."

Next, there appeared a black motorcycle. On it, was a rider in black leather and a flaming skull for a head.

"Their souls I shall destroy."

"Excellent, Ghost Rider."

Ant was not amused.

"Let me guess… last one is Sonic."

"No… this game requires some sort of vehicle or transportation device… and Sonic in a car… sucks. Sonic Drift is a perfect example."

"Phew…"

"Oh, do not rejoice! I have something even more terrifying!"

A black sports car appeared… piloted by a man who is only too well-known.

"Turbo boost, ready!"

"David Hassssellhoff!?!? What kind of sick and twisted creature are you, Kalish?"

"Believe me, even I had doubts when I made him one of my champions. Anyway, make your own transports and line up. This will be a race to remember!"

"Why can't why jussst kick their asssessss?"

"Because, my six-handed friend, over twenty million observers are waiting for the race of the nillenium. Heheheh. Don't you wanna' supply it?"

The fived looked at themselves… and grinned.

"Lllet's do this!!!"

A rocket-like… thingy, appeared around Kin. He was ready to blast off.

"Let's own 'em!!"

Ant's tredemark armour was there and he stood on an awesome black hoverboardwith flames on it.

"Agreed."

Isaac now sat in a blazing-red car. WIN.

"Let'sss ssspam weaponsss!"

Typer aimed at the surroundings with his new hovertank's plasma cannon."

"Whatever… let'sss just get thisss over with!!"

He had a green motorcycle.. I'm running out of original shit.

All the contestants lined up at the starting line. Kalish was grinning.

"Okay, fools, here are the rules! Three laps with uncountable traps and weapons aimed at your asses, trying to kill you. If one you reach the finish line first, me and my champions will disappear and you will be sent home. If one of MY boys comes first... you all die."

"That's hardllly fair!"

"Life ain't fair, bitch! Ready... STEADY... GOOOOOOO!!!!!"

And they were off, champions in front.

******

"Damn, thisss guy should stop with the ssspamming!!!:

"You can sssay that again, Typer!!!"

"Damn, thisss guy..."

"USSSED JOKE!!!!"

The five were behind Arthur, who continuously shot dark lightning from his palm. And it was really annoying.

"I'll take him," screamed Ant, "you catch the rest of the idiots!"

A red blade appeared in Ant's hand and he sped up. Didging the lightning, his sword met with the king's. The black knight spoke:

"You will regret ever raising your sword against me!!!"

"Awesome line, but you're still just a fakin' piece of armoured crap!!"

The others passed them, but their battle did not end. Two swords met again and again, yet neither had the upper hand.

"I'm bored!! The Knight of the Awesome is gonna win today!"

Ant did a somersault on his hoverboard, catching Arthur by surprise. A single slash was enough to send the rider of his horse. The steed continued with its gallop, not minding the loss of weight.

"Stupid horse!!!"

"What's the matter, 'oh great king'? Scared?"

"You would wish, fool!!!"

And they clashed again.

******

"Fuck you! Fuckin' Hassellhoff and his Turbo Boost (TM)!!!"

"None is faster than me!"

The actor-wannabe expertly dodged any and all on the track, including mines, acid pits, electric fences and spikes. The remaining four did the same.

The 'Hoff suddenly launched a barrage of rockets, which headed straight for Typer's tank. He dodged a few, but the rest made him slow down... damaged engine?

"Okay... I'm pisssed now! He'sss mine!!"

"Good llluck, Typer!"

"TY!"

He aimed and shot. The round missed, but the explosive shockwave which ensude sent the 'Hoff off the track.

"Noooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!"

"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... FUCK!!!"

Typer's tank hit a wall of explosives. The 'morph landed in the middle of some burning rubble, extra crispy. The others passed him.

******

Vort yet again ducked under a pair of flaming chains. Ghost Rider was serious.

"I've got jussst the thing againsst you!"

He accelerated and was now next to the skelly. A fire extinguisher appeared in his hands.

"No! My one weakness!"

One single spray was enough to put out the skull's flames.

"Now what are you gonna do, skelly?"

The now-extinguished skull looked at him.

"Damn you! I am no longer awesome! Nooooooooo!"

Ghost rider took out a bomb-like device.

"Oh sssh-!!!"

"Goodbye, cruel world!!"

BOOOOOOM!!!!

Vort was extra crispy, too.

"Didn't think he would be so emo about it... at least he died with style."

******

"This'lll take lllong..."

"You said it!"

Isaac and Kin, the last of our heroes still in the race, were behind the Blue Falcon. Whenever they got closer, the captain inside seemed to speed up and go nearly twice as fast.

"I've had it with this guy! Kin, give me a push!"

"Got it, Isaac!"

Kin moved his rocket behind Isaac's car and then kicked it into high-gear.

Isaac felt a mighty slam and he was propelled forward. He was gaining on the two falcons, but he wasn't quite fast enough.

"Lap 2!" came a female voice.

"Damnit! I have to do something to slow this guy down," thought the engineer, "wait, that's it!"

He clicked a button and a grappling cable shot. It pierced the Blue Falcon's plating and stayed there. The blue vehicle towed the engineer forwards... but the captain noticed.

"Let's see how long you can last, rookie!"

The falcons strafed from left to right, leading Isaac straight into surrounding traps. The engineer did all he could, which seemed like enough for the time being.

*****

They stood at two sides of the road. Black knight and Ant. Just as they wanted to clash again, the sound of engines could be heard.  
"We shall continue our battle at high speed!"

Arthur jumped and landed right on the Blue Falcon.

"Isaac! Over here!"

Isaac now had an extra passenger, too.

Ant jumped onto the grapple-cable and slowly made his way to the Blue Falcon and the black knight. When he was almost there:

"Die, fool!"

Arthur slashed and Ant blocked. More and more of Arthur's attacks were met by skilled blocks. Ant had to rapidly change position in order to keep balance, though.

"Ready or not, here I come!"

He jumped right over the false king and landed behind. Ant raised his sword, pointing downwards.

"What are you...?!?!?!"

He brought it down. The sword went straight through the Blue Falcon's paint job and damaged its core. Its driver was furious.

"Nooooo! My beautiful vehicle!"

The hovercar went out of control and smashed into Isaac. Both vehicles were now crashed. Kin flew past them in his rocket.

Captain Falcon and King Arthur watched their two adversaries, Ant and Isaac.

"The wannabe is mine!"

"Kay, Ant. I'll just take the one in the weird outfit."

*INSERT EPIC BATTLE HERE*

******

"Final lap!!!"

"Oh, yeah! Nothing can stop me now!"

"I beg to differ, limbed worm!"

Kin looked to the right. And saw Kalish, inside a weird, wheel-like construct. It looked highly manoeuvrable.

"Hey! That's cheating!"

"Why so? I never said anything against me joining the race."

"But... you joined on the finalll lllap!!!"

"Fuck you! I give the orders here! And you're going to lose!"

"Not today, fucktard!"

They were neck-to-neck at incredible speeds. The speeds were so incredible, in fact, that id I told you their exact speed in numbers, your stomach would implode and you would devour your own head.

They passed Kin and Vort on the way.

******

Ant and Isaac were doing fine. But they still couldn't break through the champions' defences. And then:

"I've had enough!!! FALCOOOOOOOON..."

"Oh, SHIT!!!" screamed the awesome one.

"Alright! Now's my chance!" thought the engineer.

"PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As the energy gathered in Falcon's fist... Isaac shot a single plasma round. It neatly cut off the captain's arm and the fist now pointed at Arthur.

"Curse thee!!!!"

The black knight was obliterated and Ant then proceeded to slice and dice a certain bird...

A wheel and a rocket sped past them.

******

Kin went as fast as his rocket possibly could... but he just wasn't fast enough.

"You lose today, worm! And after that, the galaxy and universe shall be mine!!"

Kin was beginning to lose hope... only a miracle could save them now.

(Do not worry, my Necromorph friend! Look upwards!)

He listened to the writer's words and his gaze drifted he nearly laughed his ass off.

"What's so funny!?"

Kalish too, looked upwards. Horror was on his face.

As the 'Hoff's black sports car flattened his wheel, Kin was happily heading for the finish line.

In the rubble:

"Fuck you, DAVID!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!"

He passed the finish line.

"The winners are Da Necromorph gamin' club! Congratulations!"

"Hellll yeah!"

All sides disappeared from the track. The server was flooded with messages like 'OMG, that was AWESUM!!!', 'Those guys deserve respect!' and 'Fuck yeah!' for nearly five hours.


	9. Kombat

"Computer!"

"Yes, lord Kalish?"

"I have the perfect destination for our band of meddling gamers!"

"Will you send them to Jake's Super happy funland of superb hilariousness and exhilarating joy?"

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Just send them to these coordinates."

"Uploading... finished. Starting Questionable wormhole generator."

******

"Ant?"

"Yeah, Kin?"

"Why are there five lllances on the ground there?"

"Isaac bought 'em on OZEbidz."

"Uhuh... and what purpose will they serve?"

"I think we should attack the game we're going to, rather than try to avoid going there, since those efforts were FAIL after FAIL."

"I guess that makes sense, But where are the others?"

"In the Supa' seecweeet woom. They're discussing battle plans."

Kin came closer to the large metal door and listened.

"What ssshould we ssshout when we attack?"

"How 'bout 'THISSS ISSS SSSPAAAAM!!!!!'?

"Nah... whaddaya think, Isssaac?"

"Hmmmm. 'Die, infidels!'?"

"Too generic and makes no sense in our situation."

"Battllle plllans, my arse."

---

In half an hour, all five heroes stood in the middle of the room, lances ready to smite heathens. Isaac also brought his knight helmet for such an occasion.

"Ready, boys?"

"Yess, Ant!" they shouted as one.

The familiar vortex then appeared, yet again. The most awesome shouted:

"For Game Genie ™!"

They charged as one, their lances filled with the fury of their ancestors. Cheesy, I know, but it was so. When they were but inches from the vortex, the wormhole disappeared and they crashed into a wall in an epic display of pain.

"Sssson of a bitch!"

"Yeah... Blink-abussse is my WsoS 23451 annoyance tactic!"

The rip in the fabrics of common sense then opened into the world of lulz again, at a different computer, and sucked them in."

******

"I can't see!"

"Your helmet's backwards... again."

"Oh, thanks." Isaac turned it around and watched the surroundings. The place looked like a huge Roman arena, just a LOT more gory. Like, fifty gallons of blood and thirty pounds of bones and flesh per square inch gory, "holy shit."

"Agreed, sir Isaac. I wonder what the ollld bag of crap has ready for us this time."

"Oh, just some general torture, coupled with ownage."

On a platform above them, the god of the digital realm appeared, eyes shining.

"Wellll, if it isn't king douchebag."

"Joke all you want, worm! You shall soon be another victim to the hordes of Ultimate Kombat!"

"Ooooh! That game kicksss arssse!"

"Uhhh... Vort?"

"Yeah?"

"I have a feellling OUR arses are gonna get kicked this time."

"Oh, you bet!" a massive golden throne appeared behind Kalish and he sat down, "let the games begin!"

Gates all around our heroes started opening and generic gladiators spewed out by the hundreds. Armour rusty, weapons pointy, eyes filled with bloodlust.

"I see you've got lllots of cannon fodder."

"Oh, yes. I always have a few thousand expendable fools handy, just in case. Now, let the fury of your blades tear these abominations to bits, my warriors! Entertain your emperor and GOD!"

"Daaaamn... he'sss good at RP'ing."

"And ssspamming stuff."

"Do ya have to include 'ssspam' in every other sssentence?"

"Sssowwy..."

"Shut up, boys! It's time fer fightin'!"

"Orky llline is orky."

"Chaaarge, my horde!"

The uncountable gladiators raised their weapons and did their master's bidding. And the five readied their own weapons of mass pwnage.

Isaac held an absurdly long spear and a bigass shield. Coupled with that helmet of his, he looked awesome and badass.

Ant donned his now trademarked black armour and a pair of his favorite plasma sabers.

Kin had his pretty much mandatory cyber legs and a huge hammer. And not just for screaming that annoying sentence.

Vort had... oh, you know what he had. We've been overusing that joke since chapter 5. An awesome scythe.

And Typer, in a stroke of lulzy genius, now had small plasma cannons in the front's of his six middle fingers, ready to kill with a certain gesture.

All five looked at the approaching horde and grinned. T'was time to have some fun. And so, they charged in five directions, middle fingers blazing.

Limbs flew in every direction as the army of gladiatorial fodder was torn to tiny bits, ten by ten. Plasma fire, slashes, spear-thrusts and small, hammer-caused, earthquakes spelled doom for the horde.

A severed head landed at the emperor's feet. Kalish picked it up, cracked it open and started munchin' on sum brainzez, his thoughts were:

"What?! I still qualify as a zombie, so buzz off! Also, I must say, this is service!" within mere minutes, the floor was a 'bit' bloodier, "not bad, boys. Poor people... those were all player chars."

"The nightmares won't last long."

"Heheheheh, good poiint, little insect. But that is irrelevant! It is finally time for you to fall. Face another batch of my champions!" only four gates opened this time. And from each, came a single entity. Three ninjas, one demonic human. The first ninja was clad in yellow, with black as a secondary colour. Flame seemed to rise beaneath its feet, "Scorpion!" the second replaced the yellow with light blue, "Sub-Zero!" the third was completely black, with only minimal hints of grey. It also kept screaming random abbreviations, "N00b Saibot!" and the final creature, the demonic human, was dressed in a kimono-esque, grey outfit, had burning eyes and hair and dark skin, "and Akuma! Now..."

"Wait, wait, wait..." started Kin, "three are from Mortal Kombat, but why is Akuma here?"

"The rest of the idiots said I was biased towards MK, so I brought Akuma along, to shut them up. Plus, he's badass."`

"Makes sense, unlike many things in this fourth wall breaking fic."

"Indeed. Now, time to face your maker and spit in his face!"

"Ed Boon?!" screamed the ninjas.

"Takashi Nishiyama?" screamed Akuma.

"Glen Schofield?!" screamed the 'morphs and Isaac.

"That was just a figure of speech, numbskulls! Just fight already, I'm getting bored!"

And the battle begun. Begun with Akuma ramming Vort at full speed, sending the poor Slasher into a wall on the other side of the arena. And the kombat could continue.

Ant slashed left and right, trying to cut his opponent to pieces, did sommersaults and rolls in every direction, but Saibot was always out of reach, using dark portals to warp all over the place.

"LOLOLOLOLOL!!!! I arez rush pawnzorz!"

"Oh, shut up!"

Then, Ant suddenly felt a pain in his back. Caused by the N00b's foot. He fell to the ground and a dark barrier was formed around him.

"Ownzord, n00bzor! ROLFLOL!"

Two teams were duking it out not too far from them. Sub-Zero and Scorpion versus Typer and Isaac. It was a fairly balanced match, with fireballs and ice magic getting retaliated by spear-thrusts and laser fingers. But then:

"Get over here!"

Scorpion shot two spears from both his hands, which hit the two heroes and pulled them towards the yellow ninja, who then kicked them into a wall.

"Freeze!"

After delivering such a lame pun, Sub-Zero froze them in place.

"Ain't thisss jussst dreadful?"

"I suppose."

Kin blocked blow after blow of the demonic one's fist, but was slowly losing ground. Akuma suddenly grabbed him, jumped into the air and slammed into the ground. Only Kin's head was above the dirt.

"Fuck."

"You are beaten, fools! There's only one left and he can't possibly... holy... WHAT IS THAT?!"

Part of the arena walls collapsed and from the dust came Vort, in 'holy crap, he's gonna' kick our asses' mode. Vort now had pimped out, golden spess mahreen battle armour, with powahfeet and powahfists included, along with an awesome skull helmet. He also had a few shoulder-mounted rocket launchers and a bigass, two handed, disintegration cannon. He looked at his foes defiantly and spoke

"Who wantsss sssome?"

On the other side:

"Aiz, aiz! LOLOLOLOL! Die, nub!" Saibot charged, waring all over the place as he did so. This proved to be ineffective, since Vort launched a few cluster rockets, which covered the whole area. Before getting torn to bits, N00b shouted, "haxin' haxxorz! CHEAT, BANBANBAN!"

"Pathetic. Who'sss next?"

The answer came shortly:

"Get over here!"

Vort lazily caught the spear in mid air and pulled. Scorpion flew straight into a metallic fist and Vort then used him as a yoyo, before breaking the ninja in half.

"Come on, you can do better!

He aimed and shot, the kockback sending him a couple of feet back. Sub-Zero could only watch as the beam, and his doom, came closer, until he was vaporised.

The last combatant in his way was Akuma. And Vort wanted to make this brutal. So, he threw away the massive gun and charged, fists and feet ready.

Akuma punched with his right hand, which had little to no effect. Vort punched and Akuma's blocking arms got torn off. He followed this onslaught with a kick, which made the demon's body explode in a spectacular display of over-doing gore.

The 'morph then looked up at the emperor. Multiple new rocket launchers appeared from his suit, along with a pair of chainguns from the palms.

"Uhoh..."

"I am heavy weaponsss 'morph... and you're fucked."

Over fifty bajillion (slight overstatement) rockets were fired at the arena platform above and it collapsed. Kalish walked out of the the dust, seemingly unharmed.

"Your efforts are pitiful."

"What are you made of?"

Vort, however, got an idea. The vortex was bound to appear soon, he had to act. He charged and without any explanation, punched Kalish, sending his head a bit to the side. The god rearranged his neck and stared at the 'morph.

"Pathetic." a single punch from Kalish was enough to send the 'morph all the way through the arena, "you win again, gamin' club. Next time!"

The blue wormhole appeared and pulled them all in.


	10. Semifinal showdown

While the rest of the Gamin' club merely relaxed, Vort kept typing on his keyboard. He'd been at it for over six hours. The others were starting to get worried. Isaac was the one to approach the necromorph, wearing the standard mining suit.

"Vort?"

"Yeah, what isss it? I'm busssy!"

"Busy with what, mate? You've been here for a short eternity."

"Heh. Well, let'sss just sssay I left old Kalish a sssurprise last time. When I punched him at the very end."

Ant's mutated noggin' suddenly peeked around the corner, visibly intrigued.

"What are ya talking about, ya mutated madman?"

"Well, I may have attached a sssmall tracking device to his armour. May."

Kin and Typer entered the room, as well. Kin hopping, Typer walking. It was the legless one who spoke:

"And you're telllling us now?!"

"I wanted it to be a sssurprise, ya know. I can picture it in my head. Me finding Kalish all of a sssudden and all of you praisssing me like a god!"

"I can still praise you both of my badass fists, so go ahead."

"Oh, fine! I'm almossst..."

"Target located!" a robotic voice shouted throughout the halls.

"Yahoo! Now, let's sssee... wait. No way. NO. FUCKING. WAY."

"What? Does he have a secret base in the middle of a star?!"

"Isssaac, take your pillsss. And no. Everyone, look out the window," they did so, "tell me what you sssee."

The six-armed was the first to speak:

"Aegisss Ssseven. Ssso what? Wait. You don't mean?!"

"Yup. The bassstard's right below usss."

The morph with the highest badass level stood up, his eyes flashing.

"Well, then. Why don't we pay the old asshole a visit?"

"But how willll we get down there?"

"I have just the thing, my leg-impaired friend!"

During a swift run to the hangar, many had asked 'Where ya going?'. Ant's response had been 'Down to Aegis to save your sorry asses!'. They reached the place in about twenty minutes. Ant opened a small panel and typed in a twenty-character password, after which, a small transport craft seemingly appeared out of thin air.

"I do love cloaking devices. All aboard, boys. We've got a mutated ass to kick!"

Another ten minutes passed before they were seated and secured by seatbelts. Ant was in the pilot's seat and started pressing buttons.

"Ant?"

"Yes, Kin?"

"Where the Hellll did you get this from?"

"Oh, that... remember Isaac's crashed ship? I just took the computer. Also, did you know there are several tons of spare parts down in engineering?"

"Weird."

"My words. Now, get ready, boys! We're blasting off," he pressed a button and screamed through a megaphone on the ship's top, "you can open the doors, Winston!"

A three-headed 'morph near the controls pressed a huge red button and waved at them with his single hand. The massive plates of steel slid to the side and their ship rushed outside, soon setting course for the planet below. Kalish was in for a nasty surprise.

******

Or was he?

Down on Aegis Seven, in an armoured bunker, the would-be ruler of the universe sat, slowly drinking his tea. The only too smart computer spoke:

"Unknown target detected. Identifying..."

"No need. It's the gaming club."

"How does master know."

With a hellish grin, he lifted one of his hands, revealing a small, chip-like device.

"They really thought I was that stupid. I bet they were surprised my base was down here. Time to spring the trap. Run protocol Omega-X."

"Affirmative, master. Running prototype."

"Heheheh. Come to me, my 'morphs and engineer. There's more than enough power down here to destroy all of you! Hahahahahahahahah!"

And his hand closed into a fist, crushing the tracker.

******

Vort kept gazing at the ship's computer, his tracking program installed within. But suddenly, the signal was lost.

"What the?! Oh, shit!"

"Tell all things to the captain!"

"The sssignal disssappeared. I have a feeling we're flying into a trap."

"WHAT?!" screamed all the others.

"I know, but we have to... WHAT IS THAT!?"

Their eyes turned to the front, where they saw a massive shock-wave of blue energy get sent from the planet below. There was no avoiding it and it struck their ship, then went further. However, other than a minor turbulence, there was nothing. Isaac felt cocky.

"What kind of an attack was that?"

As if those words had triggered something, a massive golden ship appeared before them, probably five times their size. Ant's jaw dropped.

"That's the insane last boss from that one game... I never beat this Empress bitch," the other four looked at him with looks of horror, utterly losing hope of survival, "NOT! Dudes, you're so easy to scare!"

Before they could shout obscenities, the Empress giggled and literally filled the space before them with purple energy balls, lasers and missiles. Ant grinned, the four prayed.

"Oh, great lord, take us into heaven after death..."

"Oh, shut up, idiots! Since she's here, that must mean," his armour appeared and their craft changed, reflecting him in colour scheme. Massive thrusters replaced the puny ones and a potent shield suddenly protected the ship, the approaching hellstorm of purple simply bouncing off it, "THAT IT'S TIME FOR RAMMING SPEED!"

With the press of another button, their tiny transport accelerated to ridiculous speed, soon reaching the golden craft and flying straight through it. The Empress' laugh turned into a scream as the ship exploded.

"Dude. I'llll have to remember to not mess with you even more."

"Thanks, Kin. You don't mess with ramming speed, that's for sure. Thirty seconds until landing, boys."

"Can we possibly land at this speed?"

"Okay, we'll change that to crashing. You can start screaming."

"!"

******

After three minutes of making sure everyone was alive, they exited the downed craft, which was torn in pieces, and looked at the landscape before them. Kalish had turned the once barren ground into a massive fortress, complete with a single pathway to the main dome. Seemed like there would be challenges ahead.

"Everyone ready to kick ass for what they've done to my ship?"

"Aye, aye, cap'n!"

"Good. Then let's enter this obvious trap through the front door!"

They reached the nearest bunker, Ant kicked the door down and they entered. The corridors within were remarkably... bland. Just white metal and a grey floor and nothing else. They would have preferred enemies, anything to keep the utter boredom away. And so, when they finally found another door, they were overjoyed. This one opened on its own, revealing a very familiar floating screen, which included a known face. Kalish looked amused.

"Well, well, well! What have we here? A gamin' club, huh? Ooooh, I'm really scared!"

"Stop ripping off classic films, Kalish, and come out here, so that we can beat you up."  
"I'm sorry, Isaac, but that won't be possible. For you have to pass my Gauntlet of Doom, where you will face the most powerful beasts! Let's start with an old favourite, shall we? Giygas, come here, boy!"

The room was filled with an ever-changing, red mist. The great evil simply floated there and readied its attack, while a table appeared, saying:

"You cannot comprehend the true nature of Giygas' attack!"

After that, Ant thought out loud:

"Hmmm, let's see. I don't know what the attack is, so I don't know how it would affect my body. Therefore, I don't really know when he would attack. So, I shall take the chance and say, that he is not attacking and just walk to that door over there."

Giygas released its ray, but the group remained unaffected and simply left the room, while Kalish shouted:

"Hey! That's not fair, assholes! Come back here!"

"I am... H A P P Y."

"Oh, shut up, you worthless gas. I need to summon the other champions and get ready. I have a feeling they won't be stopped so easily."

They entered another room, where an opponent already awaited them. The creature was twice as tall as any of them and its skin was completely black Two red eyes shone at them, with massive spikes growing just over them. Massive claws on its hands and feet, along with a long tail, completed its form.

"Welcome, mortals. You have come here to die. Face Blackheart!"

The only human stepped forward.

"I'll do this. I need a warm up."

The demon immediately charged, claws ready. A pair of thrusters suddenly appeared on Isaac's back and he flew over the beast, shooting with his plasma cutter a couple of times. The energy flew right through, but did little else. Blackheart's body then turned to liquid and he was behind the human in moments, delivering a powerful blow afterwards. He rolled for several feet and hit one of the walls. While Isaac was slowly getting up, the demon had turned into the ooze again and he was on his way. The engineer mind was racing, trying to find a solution. And it found a most bizarre. With a swift movement, a large jar appeared in his hands and the black ooze went right in. A lid appeared on it within moments. He then put it on the ground and it started rolling around, its filling not pleased at all.

"Let me out of here! I'm warning you!"

"Yeah, yeah. The usual pain and torment, I presume?"

"YES! Now open this thing! I can't break it!"

"That's the point! Sucks to be you! Let's go, guys."

And they continued towards the third test, leaving the enraged demon behind.

Another walk through the bland corridors was enough to make them ready for yet another battle. But they could not have expected what their eyes now saw. Two humans females, both well-endowed in certain areas, wearing only skin tight suits. In shape, they were twins, but they were quite different. Where one was a human with white skin, blue eyes, blonde hair and a blue jumpsuit. The other's skin, glowing eyes and hair were of almost the same light blue hue, with a black suit. Both assumed a sexy pose as soon as they entered and the true Samus shouted:

"Hey, boys!"

"No way! Kalllish has you two on his side, as wellll?"

"You bet," spoke the dark twin, "and I'm afraid you're gonna' have to fight us, if you want to get through."

"Why do I have a feeling this won't end well?"

"I dunno, Isaac... maybe because I'm having trouble concentrating even though they're standing still?"

"Good point."

The duo took out small tubes, which soon revealed themselves to be plasma whips, and attacked. The gamin' club tried to retaliate, but found it hard to actually hit them, what with all of their distracting... errr... features. Within moments, the five lied on the ground, defeated. The duplicate female asked:

"Any last words before we finish you off?"

Vort took the opportunity:

"Yeah. I have one final question for you two."

"What would that be?"

"Which one of you is hotter?"

They both giggled and Dark Samus spoke again:

"Well, I believe that is a question for you. Also, the answer is obvious. Me!"

The other did not take kindly to that:

"What are you talking about?!"

"Oh, please. You think someone still finds the old blue eye and blond hair combo attractive. Open your eyes, sister."

"At least I don't look like some mutated experiment!"

"That only means I'm more exotic! And boys love that!"

After a few more insults, an epic battle of nails and slaps began, culminating in the true one tackling her twin. Te 'morphs and human stood up and simply watched, as if in a trance. They then conjured small cameras and took a few photos, before moving on with their journey. Kalish' screen then appeared and the mutated ruler just watched for a few seconds.

"Ooooh, catfight," he took pictures of his own and then screamed, "what are you two doing?! They got through!"

The two froze in place and looked at the now-open exit, then stood up and started apologising at once:

"We are sorry, master!"

"Bah! Go get Blackheart and return to the main dome! This shall require drastic measures."

"Yes, master."

They ran back towards the still-trapped denizen, while Kalish commented to himself:

"There's something strangely hot about those two calling me master. But now is not the time to dwell on details. In fact, it's time for crushing skulls."

"Is master speaking to himself again?" came the computer's voice.

"Quiet, scrap-metal!"

******

This new corridor seemed absolutely endless and they were seriously getting bored. That is, until the screen showed up and sped along with them. Kalish was soon there, grinning.

"Hello, my foes."

"Whaddaya' want, Kalish?"

"Well, Isaac, I merely wished to explain my evil plan before you die. It's a fad with most villains, you see. Ask away."

"Fine. How did you create this 'cyber-bubble'? That's pretty badass. Not my level of badass, of course, but still."

"Impolite as always, I see. But I will answer. I am using an invention of mine, created using the knowledge hidden within the Red Marker. It allows me to create such 'bubbles', as you put it, anywhere!"

"But what'sss the point? Pointlesssly ssspamming a uselessss attack that hasss no long-term effectssss?"

"Yes, all but the most extreme actions you perform in these bubbles are indeed rendered useless after their deactivation. You can acquire weapons, powers, but they disappear afterwards. But I am close to fulfilling this technology's full purpose."

"And what might that be?"

"Heheheheh, I'm glad you asked. At peak capacity, the technology will let me carry over power into the real world!"

"WHAT?!" shouted all five.

"Yeeeees. Imagine. Gaining god-like power in here and then unleashing it upon any enemy in reality! No foe will be capable of stopping my wrath. I shall conquer this galaxy and others! I will become a universal overlord!"

"You're out of your mind, if you think we'llll lllet you do this!"

"You don't have a say in the matter, my friend. But if you want to die trying, go ahead! Your doom awaits beyond this last corner."

The screen vanished and they ran faster, rounding the corner in seconds... and ramming into a still-closed door, falling to the ground afterwards. They awkwardly got up, opened it and enetered a massive dome. The colour scheme was like that of the pathways, ie: boring. A small platform rose from the middle and Kalish stood there, green hair almost shining above his red eyes.

"I see you have arrived. Welcome to the end of the Gauntlet. This is where you lose all your extra lives and continues."

"You wish, wannabe emperor! We're the Necromorph gamin' club and we're gonna' kick your ass!"

"Perhaps, Antiel. But tell me... just how much of it can you possibly kick? Hahahahahahah!"

In the blink of an eye, uncountable creatures filled the massive dome. They were of all shapes and sizes, but had one thing in common. They were all video game bosses. And they all looked ready to tear our heroes to shreds. Some of them, they had faced before, like Chuck Norris. The door suddenly opened again and the pair of Samus' walked in with a jar, from which, random obscenities were shouted at random intervals. The demon was finally released and assumed its full form yet again.

"Miss me?"

"Not realllly."

"It seems you are rather outnumbered, doesn't it? Give up!"

"Nah we'd rather go down asss badasssses, thank you."

"Yeah, what Vort sssaid!"

"Fine, then. Champions, annihilate them."

The five drew melee weapons and prepared for a battle. That battle was incredibly swift and one-sided, that this writer refuses to write about it, because it would take up as much space as this very sentence. So, let's just go to the outcome.

The heroes were on the ground, with too many wounds to count on seven pairs of hands. All of the bosses assumed their previous positions in the chamber and Kalish approached, a grin on his face.

"Looks like you've lost. Any last words?"

"Wellll, I'm certainllly getting some weird deja vu, right here."

"Is that all?"

Isaac looked upwards, part of his visor cracked.

"No. I have a couple of questions. One, how come Norris, Kriegor and other are back? We destroyed them, didn't we?"

"Heheheh. They are beings native to this digital realm. And you know how the internet is. Some pirated games, tentacle rape porn and so on. However, can you imagine the amount of data present in it? And among all that data are their original files, which are pretty much impossible to find. Those ensure their invincibility."

"Cool. And two, why do they work for you and what do you want to do with them?"

"Those are three questions in total. Oh, well. I gave them sentience. Before, they were mindless slaves to gamers, but now, they are their own masters. And what will they do? A small repayment, I think. They shall transfer their power to me, once the' Digitaliser' is complete, granting me my desired power!"

"Surely you don't serve him just for that?"

The no longer imprisoned demon spoke:

"I think I speak for everyone when I say he's not a bad commander. Can be strict, but is nice to his troops."

"And when they transfer their power, I will allow them to simply go where they please. I have nop intentions of conquering t5he digital realm, only the real one."

Ant shouted:

"Yeah, that's cool and all. But then what?"

"What do you mean?"

"Look at it this way. When someone has lots of power, they always want more. What happens when you get all the power you can possibly have?"

To this, the would-be emperor's eyes flashed and he started walking from left to right.

"I... would want more?"

"Exactly! With no limitations there comes wanting for them, like in video games."

"How does that have anything to do with...?"

"Ant's right! Give a plllayer the ultimate sandbox game, what will he do? Create some monsters and make them fight? Build cities? But eventually, the lack of challenges will bore him!"

"Yeah. Rulesss and limitationsss give the player thossse challengesss. And when they overcome them, they'll feel great!"

"Or they can, you know, just try to bend the rulesss as much asss possssible and try to make it all missserable for the rest."

"Typer, ssseriously..."

"Oh, whatever."

"And what do you want to say by all this? That I should throw away all the progress I have made so far, destroy my device and research and then just exist somewhere?! Just because I would eventually get bored?!"

"Mate, you're immortalll, lllike us. So, eventuallly grow bored and stay lllike that for the rest of eternity. Alllso, since you willll b a god, the emo way out becomes impossibllle."

The mutated one ust stood there, processing what had been said. And his mouth opened again for a single, short word:

"Fuck."

"How shoullld we understand that?"

"That would suck. Like, suck hairy monkey testicles. I suppose you are right. Daaaaamn... why didn't I see this before?"

"Power has the nice effect of making you feelll too awesome to worry."

"I suppose, Kin."

Kriegor stepped out of the crowd and asked in that monotone voice:

"And what will happen to us?"

"Well, I'll hold up to my part of the deal. You're all free to go wherever you wish. Goodbye, lovely ladies and gentlemen."

"Wow..."

The champions said their individual goodbyes after a while, still surprised beyond mortal understanding. They slowly vanished in flashes of light and when the last vanished, Kalish ordered:

"Computer, cancel digital bubble."

"Affirmative," they were again in the real world. The massive dome vanished and was replaced by one of Aegis Seven's standard buildings, which overlooked a massive crater, "de-digitalisation, complete."

"Aaaaah, good old reality."

"Hey, that crater... I haven't an order from mister fat and ugly for a while. What happened to the obese slug?"

"I killed it, Ant."

"Brief answer was brief. Served the asshole right."

"Indeed. Now, there is only one thing left to do. We have to destroy my device and research."

The computer came again:

"I am sorry, but I cannot let you do that, Kalish."

"What the-?! As if you had a say in the matter!"

"I do. My master will not allow the digitaliser's destruction. Get ready to die. Activating secondary defences."

Small sonic cannons appeared on the ceiling and shot at them. Only two remained standing after the shot, Isaac, thanks to his boots, and Kalish, thanks to his awesome. Isaac was dazed, but still managed to shoot the two turrets before they released another wave.

"Your master, eh? Who might that be, you treacherously defective software."

"Information not accessible. Releasing Juggernaut."

"Why did I install that?"

A nearby wall collapsed and a large, humanoid robot walked out. It was grey, bulky and undoubtedly heavily armoured, with a single, red eye on its head.

"Targets locked. Initiating clean-up," tith lightning speed, it shot a large net at the engineer, who was immediately sent to the ground. As soon as the rest of the gamin' club wanted to move, a blue barrier rose around them, trapping the four 'morphs and leaving only one combatant,"final target identified. Minimal combat capabilities. Mission accomplished."

"I think you've made a mistake, tin can," it shot a red ray from the eye, but Kalish dodged with incredible speed, growing a pair of bone-spikes from his hands while he did so, "let's see how ya like this!"

"Wolllverine rip-off alert," the pair of spikes suddenly shot from his arms and pierced the thing's chest and optics. But Kalish didn't stop there, oh no. He leaped at the robot, brought it to the ground and then tore its armour open, slashing at vital components shortly afterwards. He then shot another spike at a nearby console, disabling the barrier and letting the four help Isaac, "dude! That was an awesome overkilll!"

"Thanks! Now, quickly! The device, along with the computer's main core, is in the neighbouring building."

He knocked down a door in his way and ran across the colony's streets, heading forward. The others were close behind and together, they entered the main control room. Two devices were in the room. Both were cubic in shape, but one was three times larger than them, while the other could easily be carried as a backpack.

"Let me guesss. Big thing's the digitaliser?"

"Nope. That's the computer. I knew I should have bought a smaller model. Oh, well."

"No! You cannot do this! My mission is not complete!"

"Too bad for you, then! You get to watch!"

With a single movement of his fist, the alien device was destroyed, leaving only spare parts for use. Kalish then moved to a nearby terminal.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm setting the whole base to self-destruct, Ant. I installed lots of bombs all over, just in case. And I restricted access to myself, in case the stupid AI went haywire. Which, as you can see, was a good idea."

"No, you cannot..."

"Oh, I can, bitch," with a single click of a big, red, shiny button, a timer appeared upon a nearby screen, giving them ten minutes, "and I did! Now, let's get out of here, boys! I still have the emergency shuttle I stole from the Ishimura in a hangar nearby."

In nine and a half minutes, their ship left the planet's atmosphere, just in time to watch the pretty lights come from below. Kalish sat at the controls, simply silent. Isaac asked:

"What are ya thinking about?"

"Oh, just about what I'm going to do now. So far, I haven't got any ideas."

"Jey, you could always become king of the 'morphs back on the Ishimura, or something."

"Ya think?"

"Definitellly. Those lazy sacks of filth could use some bossing around if we're gonna' get anything done around there."

"Sounds like a plan to me. Okay, I'll do it!"

With a scream of laughter, the ship accelerated back to the massive mining ship. Shit was gonna' get done, indeed.

******

"Sir, we have lost connection to the mainframe. We only have ninety-two point thirty-seven percent of the data. We cannot bring items into the real world."

"Hmmmm, a minor setback. Heheheheh. It'll merely require a change of plans, hehehehHAHAHAHAHAH!"


End file.
